-Message Received-
by toesnail
Summary: Collection of South Park TEXT MESSAGES!
1. Kyle's phone

**I've got many of these saved up in my folders, but I never thought this idea for a fanfiction was very good and believed it was quite cheesy, until I saw someone else do the same sort of thing! SO I WAS LIKE OKAY SO MAYBE THIS ISN'T A BAD IDEA AND MAYBE I SHOULD START UPLOADING MY STUFF NOW**

* * *

**Kyle's phone.**

You: Dude, you still at church?

Stan Marsh: Christ, thanks for giving my ass a nice vibration

You: Oops.

Stan Marsh: But yeah, still praying to jesus and shit

You: Well hurry up. Oh and my parents don't come back til Tuesday

Stan Marsh: Sweet  
Stan Marsh: as soon as this boring ass ceremony finishes, me and kenny will make our way to yours ok

You: I thought he stopped going?

Stan Marsh: I managed to drag him along

You: Lol, how did you manage to do that?

Stan Marsh: gave him 10 bucks lmao

You: Smooth. Is fatass coming?

Stan Marsh: Think so, he said you owe him like 6 packets of oreos or something

You: Great. How long you going to take?

Stan Marsh: dude it's church  
Stan Marsh: I have to go home first and change anyways

You: I'm glad I don't go to church.

Stan Marsh: I'm glad you dont go to church  
Stan Marsh: I dont think I would be able to keep a straight face with you in a grown ass suit pahahaha  
Stan Marsh: ahaha  
Stan Marsh: i actually cant stop laughing  
Stan Marsh: dude help, my mom's getting angry

You: It's not that funny-_-

Stan Marsh: It's the hair

You: Stop

Stan Marsh: ;)  
Stan Marsh: LMFAO

You: No

Stan Marsh: dude  
Stan Marsh: kyle  
Stan Marsh: ok im sorry  
Stan Marsh: oh come on, I was kidding  
Stan Marsh: dont be gay kyle

You: I thought you weren't allowed to have your phone during church anyways?

Stan Marsh: We're not

You: Wow  
You: Watch out everyone, badass Stan is coming through

Stan Marsh: I am badass

You: Really

Stan Marsh: Yeah im badass, but kyle what if I told you  
Stan Marsh: that you have  
Stan Marsh: a bad ass  
Stan Marsh: ...  
Stan Marsh: GET IT  
Stan Marsh: A BAD ASS HAHAHA

You: Wtf

Stan Marsh: it wasnt even funny  
Stan Marsh: ok sorry, I was kidding  
Stan Marsh: you actually have a very nice ass  
Stan Marsh: nice n squidgy  
Stan Marsh: wait wat

You: What.  
You: Omg

Stan Marsh: sorry, I dont know what came over me

You: Just text me when you're finished

Stan Marsh: Wiilll do


	2. Clyde's phone

**Clyde's phone.**

You: THAT'S RIGHT MOTHERFUCKER  
You: I WIN  
You: YOU LOSE  
You: HOW DOES IT FEEL TO SUCK ASS

Kenny M: do you really wanna know?

You: cough up the cash bro

Kenny M: i aint giving you shit

You: wtf, we had a bet

Kenny M: which one's this?

You: the one with red turner

Kenny M: yeah, which one

You: last week we had a bet at which one of us could pull her first, even tho shes a lesbo

Kenny M: oaaah that one  
Kenny M: and it took you all week to do that?

You: shutup i only saw her yesterday

Kenny M: honesly, i kinda forgot about it

You: idc, u still owe me asshole

Kenny M: how much was it again?

You: 20 glorious bucks

Kenny M: wtf that much?

You: thats right bro

Kenny M: um  
Kenny M: well the thing is

You: no dont start with the bullshit story, i know u got paid just yesterday

Kenny M: alright alright  
Kenny M: but hang on a sec

You: no kenny

Kenny M: but just wait a minute

You: ur not getting out of this one, give me what i won or im kicking ur ass

Kenny M: lol sure

You: dude im serious!

Kenny M: ok ok  
Kenny M: just hear me out tho

You: ..

Kenny M: how about this right  
Kenny M: how about we make another bet

You: no

Kenny M: no, this one is totally worth it  
Kenny M: double or quits

You: no

Kenny M: think about it clyde, you're basically doubling your money in one sitting  
Kenny M: dude come on, you're not loosing out on anything anyways

You: 40 bucks?

Kenny M: 40 bucks straight into your back pocket

You: alright fine

Kenny M: sweeet

You: wait, whats the bet

Kenny M: first to pull a guy from our calculus class

You: wtf no

Kenny M: what? why not

You: thats gross, im not doing that

Kenny M: clyde i think you're being highly homophobic here

You: well no, but im not fucking gay

Kenny M: everyones a little gay, dude

You: im not doing it

Kenny M: 40 bucks clyde

You: i dont care

Kenny M: oh come on, it's not that hard

You: im straight

Kenny M: so am i

You: lmao, if ur straight then i must be jesus

Kenny M: theres no need to be like that

You: im not doing it

Kenny M: yes you are  
Kenny M: you've already agreed to it

You: yeah but i didn't even know what the bet was

Kenny M: so

You: no

Kenny M: fine  
Kenny M: in that case, i'm not giving you your money

You: wtf? kenny no, thats unfair

Kenny M: do you really think i care about fairness right now?

You: omfg  
You: fine ill do it

Kenny M: WOO

You: i hate you

Kenny M: you're welcome pretty boy


	3. Cartman's phone

**To solve confusion, Poorboy = Kenny  
I just think that Cartman is the type of person that would save people's names differently :))  
**

* * *

**Cartman's phone.**

Poorboy: yo, where the fuck is everyone  
Poorboy: oi, fatass  
Poorboy: don't fucking read my texts and not reply  
Poorboy: seriously, i'll hunt you down

You: on field

Poorboy: why the fuck are you there

You: becuz

Poorboy: since when do we ever go on the field during lunch

You: since the cheerleaders got hot

Poorboy: none of you are answering your fukin phones, i have no call credit left  
Poorboy: the one fukin time y'all aint on your phones and i need you

You: im not liking ur tone

Poorboy: fuck you  
Poorboy: where abouts are you, there's like a thousand people out here

You: near the bin

Poorboy: well thanks for narrowing it down fatboy

You: well if ur gona b like that then find ur own way

Poorboy: wtf  
Poorboy: tell stan to answer my texts or call me

You: y

Poorboy: because you're no fucking help

You: say u love me

Poorboy: just tell him

You: say u love me

Poorboy: dude i'm serious

You: say u love me

Poorboy: no

You: well then, gd luck finding us

Poorboy: i literally fucking hate you  
Poorboy: no seriously, fuk you  
Poorboy: you are actually the worst friend ever  
Poorboy: i hope you suffocate

You: k

Poorboy: fuck this, i'm gonna go find clyde and those other guys

You: yh good luck with that, there on here 2 rofl

Poorboy: wtf why is everyone on the field  
Poorboy: just tell me which field

You: the one with the grass

Poorboy: no shit

You: bebe hot tits is here 2

Poorboy: what  
Poorboy: WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU  
Poorboy: TELL ME YOU FUCK  
Poorboy: I'M NOT HANGING AROUND ANY FUKCI MOREFA  
Poorboy: I'VE HAD A LONG FUCJKIN DAY AND I'VE HAD ENoh there you are

You: retard 

* * *

**I know I have very few people reading this, but I'll take any requests:)**


	4. Stan's phone

**I actually had this one saved haha,  
**

* * *

**Stan's phone.**

Wends: Sent a photo.

You: Dang  
You: wait, why did you just send me a photo of you in a bra

Wends: Oh god! I'm so sorry Stan, wrong number!  
Wends: Oh my days, I can't believe I just sent that to you!

You: is this a trick

Wends: Nonono!  
Wends: Omg, this is soo embarrassing

You: it's not like I haven't seen them before

Wends: Promise me you'll forget I ever sent you that?!  
Wends: And I know what you're like, don't save it either!

You: Lol don't worry  
You: your secret's safe with me

Wends: Thank you Staaaan xx

You: No probs xxx  
You: hang on a sec  
You: who were you sending that to?

Wends: Huh? x

You: The picture  
You: who was it suppose to be for

Wends: ?  
Wends: No-one! I must have accidently clicked send by message or something ahaha x

You: no wendy  
You: you were sending that to token werent you

Wends: What?!

You: omg  
You: knew it

Wends: How could you even think of me like that?!

You: because you've done it to me before  
You: Who else are you sending nudes to?

Wends: I'm not sending nudes Stan!

You: lies

Wends: I'm not lying?

You: tell the truth or that photo is going viral

Wends: You wouldn't..

You: kenny is literally sitting right next to me  
You: giving somethin as precious as that to kenny is like giving a free bomb to a terrorist  
You: ...  
You: kaboom

Wends: What are you blabbering about?

You: TELL THE TRUTH WENDY  
You: x

Wends: Fine. All it was, was I wanted Token to see how smaller my shoulders have gotten since I lost a bit of weight

You: you lost weight?

Wends: Thanks.

You: sorry i mean wow wendy, look how much weight you lost

Wends: I can't believe I used to date you.

You: oh come on, i'm not a bad guy  
You: I used to give you good belly rubs  
You: remember how good they felt?

Wends: Yeees^-^ I remember xx  
Wends: And how you used to plat my hair ahaha x

You: I swear to god, if you tell anyone about that

Wends: ;)

You: omg

Wends: Haha, anyway I gotta go

You: Okay bye wendy xx

Wends: Byebye! xx

You: :) xxxx

* * *

**For cortez30, I will also do you first one you asked for aswell, but I will upload that later**


	5. Kenny's phone

**Kenny's phone.**

You: ur a fag

Jewish ass wipe: Thanks, Kenny

You: i hate u so much  
You: i will conqeur the world nd all jews wil die lololol

Jewish ass wipe: Huh?

You: fag  
You: noob  
You: u actually look like a pug  
You: jks pugs r cute  
You: but u still look likeafgidg ewrkja  
You: jfwgSO32#

Jewish ass wipe: Um  
Jewish ass wipe: Kenny?

You: omg, sorry fatass took my phone

Jewish ass wipe: Should have known hahaha

You: wtf  
You: he changed all my contacts names

Kyle: Wow  
Kyle: I hate it when he does that

You: ik  
You: but anyway i gotta ask you something

Kyle: Go for it

You: i need you to do me a favour

Kyle: Sure. What is it?

You: i need you to make out with me

Kyle: What?!

You: no, it's not how it sounds  
You: clyde and i had a bet

Kyle: Dude..

You: it only has to be for like 5 secs tops

Kyle: I'm not doing that

You: what? wtf, don't be an ass

Kyle: You're my best friend, that's fucking weird

You: exactly, so that's why i chose you  
You: because i knew you'd be okay with it

Kyle: Well, I'm not

You: i would do the same for you if it was the other way around

Kyle: I wouldn't ever ask you

You: i know, but if you did

Kyle: but im not

You: i know but im just saying that if you did, as a good friend i would definitely make out with you

Kyle: -_-

You: ill pay you

Kyle: No

You: 10 bucks

Kyle: No!

You: come on man, i need to break even here

Kyle: Go and ask Stan

You: i cant

Kyle: Why?

You: because he's not in my calculus class

Kyle: Oh God

You: so... is that a yes?

Kyle: No!

You: KYLE I DONT WANT TO BE DOWN 40 BUCKS I CANT AFFORD THAT, YOU KNOW I CANT IM LIVING OFF BREAD CRUMBS HERE

Kyle: Don't you have a job?

You: THATS NOT THE GOD DAM POINT

Kyle: Why do you pull me into everything you get involved in

You: because thats what a real friend does

Kyle: You are unbelievable

You: why thank you xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Kyle: -_-  
Kyle: I can't believe I'm saying this but fine. I'll do it  
Kyle: On one condition though.

You: YOU WILL?  
You: YOU HAVE LITERALLY SAVED MY SKIN

Kyle: I said on one condition

You: what

Kyle: Stan or Cartman don't find out about it

You: you, my son, have a deal

Kyle: Don't ever call me that in a situation like this please.

You: ill come round as soon as fatass kicks me out

Kyle: I'm so going to regret this later

You: you wont, i swear on my mothers life

Kyle: See you later, Kenny-_-

You: bye sweet cheeks xoxoxcafhakasfahst

* * *

**Kenny and Kyle (and supposedly Cartman) for Cookie-chan**

**I love stealing peoples phones aND RUINING FRIENDSHIPS HAHAAHHA**


	6. Token's phone

******I always see Craig and Token's friendship being sarcastic**

* * *

**Token's Phone.**

Craig: I still don't get why you're taking that bitch on vacation, instead of us.

You: She's my girlfriend  
You: And don't call her a bitch

Craig: Yeah, a girlfriend of like three months.

You: We're only going to Jackson

Craig: So?

You: And it's only for a week!

Craig: You're missing the point.

You: Hardly a vacation  
You: Besides, I can take whoever I want

Craig: Don't talk to me

You: Really?  
You: Are you really gonna go all moody on me again?

Craig: I'm blocking you on everything.

You: Because that's mature  
You: You know, I was going to invite you along to my Hawaii trip I was planning for next year, but if you're gonna be like this, then I might just consider taking only Tweek, Clyde and Kevin

Craig: Wait, what

You: Because after all, I AM THE ONE FUCKING PAYING FOR IT

Craig: It wasn't even about the money, Token

You: Whatever, Craig

Craig: I hope you guys break up the day before you leave.

You: We leave tomorrow, asshole

Craig: Oh, so I'm the asshole now

You: Yes

Craig: Fuck you.

You: I'll bring you back something awful

Craig: Good.

You: Oh and don't miss me too much

Craig: I'll try to keep myself under control.

You: Xo

* * *

**Was intended to be a little longer, but ah well**  
**Craig for Anon :)  
**


	7. Kenny's phone 2

**Kenny's phone 2.**

You: good night last night?;)

Stan the man: Omfg

Stan the man: don't

You: you got totally rekd

You: like i've never seen you that bad before

Stan the man: There's a reason why I don't do vodka

You: ahahaha, killer hangover

Stan the man: I've been sick 3 times this morning

You: niiice

You: who did you stay with?

Stan the man: I think kyle took me in

Stan the man: I don't actually remember seeing you leave

You: yeah, cartman and i crashed with clyde and token

Stan the man: oh yeah? sweet

You: you sure you're okay?

Stan the man: no

You: hahaha

Stan the man: It's not funny dude

You: I'll come and pick you up

Stan the man: No, it's fine

Stan the man: I'd rather be at kyles than home anyways

You: well I'm at clydes and we're gonna go to ihop for breakfast, you could meet us there

Stan the man: dude

Stan the man: do you not understand

Stan the man: I'm vomiting everywhere

Stan the man: what makes you think I can keep pancakes down

You: stop being a girl

Stan the man: Stfu

You: well then ask kyle if he's up for it

Stan the man: Okay gimmi a sec, he's taking a shit

You: pleasant

Stan the man: He said he'll go if you pick him up

You: alright, I'll get clyde to take a detour

Stan the man: Okay

You: see ya later stan;)

Stan the man: shutup ken

* * *

**Away at the mo, so uploading these via my phone, so if it comes out weird or something the apologiiieees**


	8. Tweek's phone

**This is like the shortest one yet meaorfsgyue**

* * *

**Tweek's phone.**

You: ARE YOU AWAKE  
You: ARE YOU AWAKE  
You: ARE YOU AWAKE

Craig: Tweek, it's 3am.

You: I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you!

Craig: You didn't.

You: OH man, do you hate me?!

Craig: No, I don't hate you.  
Craig: Now go back to sleep

You: I can'T  
You: That's why I'm texting you

Craig: Count the sheep, just like what the doctor said

You: I CAn't sleep when something's watching me Craig!,,7

Craig: Calm down you spaz.  
Craig: Tell me what you see and maybe I can help

You: I don't think Ican

Craig: Yes you can  
Craig: Now, come on, I haven't got all night.

You: dO you remember that picture you saw under my bed last week?

Craig: I remember

You: I see that

Craig: You sure it isn't your sweater again?

You: It doesn't look like my sweater  
You: I'm not crazy i swear!

Craig: Course you're not  
Craig: I'll Facetime you. Give me a sec to wake up.

You: I thought you said I didn't wake you?!

Craig: I did

***In-coming FaceTime call from Craig Tucker***


	9. Butters' phone

**Thank you for the reviews!  
Forgot to mention, the last one was for Impassive Tears,,**

* * *

**Butters' phone.**

Clyde Donovan: hi butters

You: Oh, hey Clyde!

Clyde Donovan: um, i need 2 borrow ur hw 4 psychology

You: You haven't done it yet?

Clyde Donovan: obviously not

You: Well sure! I had to lend it to Eric, but as soon as he finishes with it, I'll send it to you:)

Clyde Donovan: k thnx

You: No problem, bro!

Clyde Donovan: no  
Clyde Donovan: dont call me that

You: Don't call you what?

Clyde Donovan: we not bros

You: But I thought that's what you call everyone?

Clyde Donovan: yeah i do  
Clyde Donovan: just not u  
Clyde Donovan: bcus we ain't bros

You: Well, what should I call you?

Clyde Donovan: well i have a name  
Clyde Donovan: that works on some people

You: Just Clyde?

Clyde Donovan: yh  
Clyde Donovan: nothing else  
Clyde Donovan: not bro  
Clyde Donovan: not friend  
Clyde Donovan: just clyde

You: Well only if you're sure!

Clyde Donovan: iv never been more sure about anything

You: Alright, Clyde! Say, how's that diet going along?

Clyde Donovan: ...wat

You: You know! The one you started, because you were afraid of becoming the fattest kid in school?

Clyde Donovan: i have no idea what ur talking about butters

You: I overheard your conversation with Craig Tucker, in the lunch hall last week! Something about you subscribing to a woman's weekly magazine?

Clyde Donovan: wtf  
Clyde Donovan: no its not true i swear  
Clyde Donovan: omfg

You: There's nothing to be ashamed of, Clyde! Everybody needs to loose a bit of weight

Clyde Donovan: im going to slice u

You: Gee, that's not very nice:(

Clyde Donovan: who hav u told

You: I haven't told anyone!

Clyde Donovan: bullshit  
Clyde Donovan: we can either do this the easy way or the hard way

You: I swear, Clyde!  
You: Okay, I may have told one person

Clyde Donovan: who  
Clyde Donovan: tell me butters or ppl are going to get srsly hurt  
Clyde Donovan: iv got a reputation 2 hold here

You: Kenny McCormick

Clyde Donovan: okay not as bad as i thought

You: ..And Eric

Clyde Donovan: wat  
Clyde Donovan: no

You: I didn't think it was a big deal! I mean, after all you're thinner than him!

Clyde Donovan: do u kno what uv done  
Clyde Donovan: ofc u dont  
Clyde Donovan: he will never live this down  
Clyde Donovan: if bebe fiNDS OUT ABOUT THIS

You: Oh gee, I didn't mean to tell him!

Clyde Donovan: monday im kicking ur ass

You: What?! D:  
You: I think you should think about what you're doing!  
You: If my parents find out that I got my ass kicked, I'd get grounded!

Clyde Donovan: well mayb u should have thought about that be4 u opened ur big gob

You: I can't help it that you're fat, Clyde!

Clyde Donovan: IM NOT FAT

You: Oh hamburgers! D:

Clyde Donovan: I hate u so fkin much butters

You: I'm sorry!

Clyde Donovan: bye

You: :( :( 

* * *

**Kay, was a bit random haha, but that was for .SP - wasn't what you asked for, but I still considered their involvement! **


	10. Craig's phone

**This is for SMAK101 - Thank you for requesting, ****I actually really like this pairing alot, idk why haha**

* * *

**Craig's phone.**

Unknown: HEEEY CRAIG

You: Who the fuck is this

Unknown: i stole your number off clyde

You: Well delete it. You're annoying and I don't want to talk to you.

Unknown: you dont even know who I am

You: Don't care

Unknown: whats pissed on your parade  
Unknown: you didn't even guess who I was  
Unknown: hey  
Unknown: hey craig  
Unknown: craaAAIIIIIIGGG  
Unknown: HEEELLOOOOOOO

You: I will seriously block you

Unknown: k i'll give you a guess

You: No.

Unknown: i'm super awesome  
Unknown: the biggest sexy mofo in town  
Unknown: and im in your art class  
Unknown: did i mention that im also awesome  
Unknown: and smexy

You: I gather that this is either McCormick or McCormick's dick talking.

Unknown: brilliant guess  
Unknown: im mentally clapping

You: There's a reason why I don't have your number.

McCormick: yeah but you've always wanted it tho

You: No.

McCormick: hey i got a confession that iv been holding in since like 2 months ago

You: What makes you think that I actually care?

McCormick: well thats rude

You: *_Sent a photo*_

McCormick: wtf is that  
McCormick: is that your middle finger

You: Yes.

McCormick: smooth  
McCormick: but anyways  
McCormick yeah I think you ought to kno about what I gotta say

You: ..

McCormick: I found your tumblr;)

You: What.  
You: How the fuck  
You: No  
You: You're lying.

McCormick: nope;) I've been stalking you for ages lmfao  
McCormick: didn't know you were a fan of anime

You: What the actual fuck?  
You: Seriously, how the fuck did you find it

McCormick: i have my ways

You: I fucking hate you.

McCormick: now don't be like that  
McCormick: you're quite popular actually

You: Stop talking to me.

McCormick: you're out of order craig

You: If you tell anyone, you're dead.

McCormick: is that a threat

You: No, it's a promise.

McCormick: well as much as I would totally hhhaatee for that to happen, I won't tell a soul

You: No, you won't.

McCormick: wow, there's no need to be so sour  
McCormick: ahahah I might even blackmail you

You: Blackmail doesn't work on me. I don't have anything to hide

McCormick: oh yeah?  
McCormick: what if I told you that I also have your internet history too

You: What?

McCormick: ;)  
McCormick: ;)  
McCormick: ;)  
McCormick: ;)  
McCormick: ;)

You: How the fuck did you hack into my laptop

McCormick: one word, craig  
McCormick: yaoi

You: Fuck off, what the fuck  
You: Seriously, how the fuck  
You: How are you capable of hacking into my account  
You: Answer me, you piece of shit.

McCormick: dude I was kidding  
McCormick: I don't know how to fuckin hack, i'm only a D grade student

You: What the

McCormick: LMMMFFAAAAOOOOOO  
McCormick: PAHAHAHAAHAH  
McCormick: I'M DYING

You: That's it.  
You: *_You have blocked this number.*_


	11. Clyde's phone 2

**Wow, those compliments threw me! Thank you!**

* * *

**Clyde's phone 2.**

You: hey bby, what are you doing tonight?xx

Bebabe: What did you have in mind?x

You: u, me, a condom xx

Bebabe: -.- x

You: i love u 3xxxx 58ff33

Bebabe: That ain't gonna work, Clyde x

You: come on atleast im willing to wear a rubber this time xx

Bebabe: Aaaand you think that's good enough?! x

You: well what else am i suppose to offer xx

Bebabe: Not even a little romance? x

You: oh

You: i think my dad has some cheap candles x

You: i could light them up xx

Bebabe: Wow

You: ... or we could go out for dinner? xx

Bebabe: Hmm..

Bebabe: Alright, that sounds a little different:) x

You: well i got some coupons 4 taco bell that expire next sunday, we could go there xx

Bebabe: Taco Bell?! Are you fucking serious?!

You: well im not exactly raking in the dollars at the mo x

Bebabe: I'm your girlfriend Clyde.

Bebabe: You're supposed to be spoiling me!

You: hang on hang on, I bought u a pair of earrings 4 ur birthday

Bebabe: They were plastic.

You: ur point being...

Bebabe: This is ridiculous

Bebabe: I wasn't going to bring this up, but even though Kenny has a lot of financial problems, he still knows how to treat a girl correctly.

You: wait

You: where the hell did that come from

Bebabe: I was just saying, that's all

You: oh so now ur comparing me to him

You: that makes me feel special

Bebabe: What about me?! As far as you're concerned, I'm nothing but a piece of dirt from the bottom of your shoe.

You: im not even wearing shoes

You: and thats not true

Bebabe: Well that's not what it feels like.

You: why is it always the boys that have to do all the work

Bebabe: Because that's how relationships work!

You: wtf

You: even during sex

Bebabe: Huh?

You: nothing

Bebabe: I can't believe you're bringing up the bedroom department.

You: um well sorry but some of us get tired

You: especially with the amount of pleasure u need

You: not to mention a wide set

Bebabe: Excuse me?!

Bebabe: How fucking dare you!

You: #shotsfired

Bebabe: That's it, I'm done with you!

You: wtf

You: you dont mean that babe

Bebabe: Don't fucking call me, don't fucking talk to me and don't think you're getting me back this time.

You: dumping me thru text huh?

Bebabe: I had no choice.

You: have fun with the aids carrier

Bebabe: I don't have aids Clyde!

You: i was talking about kenny but whateva

* * *

**Still taking any requests! (just as long as they ain't too dodgy haha)**


	12. Kyle's phone 2

**Kyle's phone 2.**

Fatboy: hey kahl

You: What do you want

Fatboy: what's the diff between a joo and a pizza

Fatboy: ..

Fatboy: a pizza doesnt scream wen u put it in tHE OVEN PMSL

You: How original

Fatboy: so kahl

Fatboy: wats it lyk bein the lamest guy in skewl

Fatboy: oi jew

Fatboy: ey

Fatboy: DNT IGNORE ME U IGNORINT BOLLOCK

You: How did you get a B in English

Fatboy: becuz the teacher has the hots 4 me

You: She must be blind

Fatboy: stfu

You: Lol

Fatboy: anyways r u comin tonite

You: Unfortunately

Fatboy: well bring food

Fatboy: u still owe me 6 packs of oreos rember

You: I know

Fatboy: duble stuffed

You: Yup.

Fatboy: u mustnt forget

You: How could I forget. You haven't stopped going on about it

Fatboy: i dont like bein walked over by a jew

Fatboy: its forbiddan

You: If murder was legal I would sooo take advantage of it right now.

Fatboy: if murder was legal u wud be on ur knees begging 4 ur slavery freedom

You: What does that even mean

Fatboy: it means ur gey

You: Right

Fatboy: did u kno that hitler only had 1 testicle god rest his soul

You: Yeah and did you know that he was suspected as a homosexual.

You: Just a quick reminder, as I know how much you want to follow his footsteps.

Fatboy: but dont forget he was also incest sooo ur point kinda sux

You: That makes it even worse, you retard.

Fatboy: says the jew

You: Omg

Fatboy: dnt get 2 mine til 9 btw

You: Okay

You: Why

Fatboy: becuz i said so thats y

You: 0k4y bo5s wt3va u s4y

Fatboy: kahl i dont wanna pry but i think u need 2 sort out ur spellin and punctuatien a bit

You: -_-


	13. Stan's phone 2

**Stan's phone 2.**

Dad: Smiley face.

You: for the last time dad, you don't type emoticons

Dad: Confused, but also mysterious face.

You: dude I'm serious

You: stop

You: it's embarrassing

Dad: But Stanley, normal emoticons don't show realistic emotions

You: I'd rather you just not use them whatsoever

Dad: But then how would you know whether I'm angry or not?

You: if you're angry, use caps

Dad: Caps?

You: yeah

Dad: *Sent a photo*

You: Not bottle caps you retard

Dad: STANLEY DONT SPEAK TO YOUR FATHER LIKE THAT

You: that's it, you're getting it now

Dad: Well actually your mother has been quite stubborn lately

You: wait what

You: where did that come from?!

Dad: Oh what

Dad: Uh

Dad: Your mother wants you

You: Where even is she

Dad: On the toilet

You: ew

Dad: I think I added too much chilli power again

Dad: No I'm not loosing my touch before you start making accusations

You: Oh no

You: nono not this again

You: If you start cooking again I'm moving out

Dad: So you're saying that you would rather have greasy tacos and plain ham wraps for dinner instead of delicious homemade lasagne?

Dad: With a hint of fromage frais on the side

You: *Sent a photo*

Dad: Who is that

Dad: That's not you is it?

You: No dad

You: it's a picture of someone faceflooring

Dad: Faceflooring? is that a thing now?

Dad: Wait a minute, is this modern?

You: wtf are you on about

Dad: I'm confused

You: I'm going out

Dad: Wait Stanley

Dad: Is faceflooring a band?

Dad: A dance?!

Dad: An object?!

Dad: I NEED TO KNOW

Dad: I AM COOL STANLEY

Dad: I AM ALSO NOT OLD

Dad: I UNDERSTAAANND SON

Dad: I understand


	14. Kenny's phone 3

**This is the McCormick brothers and not Stoley, just to draw out confusion::))**

* * *

**Kenny's phone 3.**

Kev: Um can you like do me a favour

You: yo what is it

Kev: On ya way home get some bandages and tablets and shit from the drug store

You: why, what happened?

Kev: Nothing I just need them

You: dude, tell me

Kev: Nothing happened

You: fine, then get them yourself lmao

Kev: Wtf dont be an asshole

You: i'll stop being an asshole when you tell me what happened

Kev: Well what do you think happened

You: jacked off too hard this time?

You: you missed your lil bro so much, you cut ya arm off?

You: ..family fued?

Kev: Congratz

You: is karen okay?

Kev: Thanks for the consideration of your brother

You: you'll live

Kev: But yeah she's fine

You: kay

You: is everyone at home?

Kev: Naw, stuart went to the bar

You: and ma?

Kev: Work

You: alright, I'll be home in about an hour

Kev: Don't take too long

You: i'll take my sweet time;)

Kev: Bastard

You: love yooouuu x

Kev: Ew

You: btw does karen want any of that plastic beef jerky I think stan has some coupons for it

Kev: Go for it

You: alrighty


	15. Cartman's phone 2

**Cartman's phone**

You: wassup faggot

Butters: Hey, Eric!:-)

You: y do u still call me that

Butters: Call you what?:S

You: eric, u testicle

Butters: Because it's your name, isn't it?

You: uh

You: yeh

You: doesnt matter, anyway i need u 2 do somethin 4 me

Butters: But why?

You: becuz it involves the human race

Butters: What do you mean?

You: dnt ask questions butters

You: i need u 2 do this 1 simple task

You: and when ur finished I will buy u a pillow

Butters: A pillow? I don't think I need a new pillow

You: u do butters

You: but anyway

You: do u think ur capable of doing this 4 me

You: 4 ur.. best buddy

Butters: Well sure!

You: it's a pretty big task, i dnt kno if u will be able 2 handle it

Butters: I can handle anything!

You: ok well

You: i need u 2 kill kahl

Butters: Kill Kyle? Kyle Broflovski?

You: kahl the jew

Butters: What?! Why?!

You: i dnt remember mentioning anything about asking questions butters

Butters: But, I can't kill anyone!

You: yes u can

You: i believe in u

Butters: People get into trouble when it comes to murder:(

You: well yeah

You: but u wont

Butters: I won't?

You: correct

You: seriusley like i hav it all planned out

Butters: I don't know, Eric...

You: look all u need 2 do is sneak into his bedroom window and slit his throat

You: thats literally it

You: its not like im asking u 2 write a 4 page essay on how much every1 hates jews

Butters: But Kyle is my friend:-)

You: wtf do u have autism or something

You: look fine whatever

You: i'll go ask the goth kids again

Butters: Alrighty, good luck, Eric!:D

You: bye butters

You: u disappoint me

* * *

**Thank you for the people who have followed/favourited/reviewed/viewed!**


	16. Tweek's phone 2

**Tweek's phone 2.**

You: CRaig wanted to know why you weren't at scho0l today

Clyde: why dont he just call me

You: He doesn't want to turn his phone on  
You: SAid he keeps getting anonymous calls

Clyde: oh right  
Clyde: and tell him it was because i was ill

You: OK  
You: hE said stop bullshitting

Clyde: no, im srs. i had sickness nd diarrhoea  
Clyde: swear down ask my mom

You: You don't have a mom, remember?

Clyde: thanks a bunch for bringing that up

You: Shit sorry, man!

Clyde: naw its alright

You: WHy DO I always fucK EVERYthing up?!

Clyde: stop  
Clyde: tweekers calm down wow

You: I UNDERSTAND If you're angry with me!

Clyde: omg why did i even say anything  
Clyde: dude im not angry

You: But what if you're lying?!#

Clyde: right im not angry ok

You: Are you sure?!1

Clyde: positive  
Clyde: now can you pass the phone to craig for a sec

You: OK  
You: Thanks for freaking him out.

Clyde: how exactly was that my fault

You: Everything's your fault.  
You: But anyway, why didn't you come in, I waited ages for you

Clyde: what, a total of 5 mins

You: That's five minutes of my precious time, Clyde.

Clyde: come on u love my company

You: Of course. I totally adore your company.

Clyde: ;)

You: Stop avoiding my question.

Clyde: ok ok  
Clyde: i skipped out

You: No you didn't.  
You: If you skipped, you wouldn't be avoiding the question

Clyde: im not avoiding it

You: Yes you are.

Clyde: wow ok

You: If you don't tell me, I'll stop giving you lifts.

Clyde: woa whats with the threats  
Clyde: you seem super aggressive today  
Clyde: even more than usual

You: Stop it.

Clyde: stop what

You: I'm serious, Clyde  
You: Stop being difficult

Clyde: you should hear yourself lmao

You: You see, you've set Tweek off again.

Clyde: wtf?!  
Clyde: how come you blame me for everything that happens

You: I narrow down my options.

Clyde: you are unbelievable

You: That's a big word for you

Clyde: theres a wonderful machine called auto correct

You: Autocorrect isn't a machine, you idiot

Clyde: whatever  
Clyde: anyways, tell tweekers i said bye

You: No  
You: Don't you dare leave.

Clyde: byyeee craaaaiiig xoxoxox  
Clyde: bros 4 lyf

You: Fuck you.


	17. Cartman's phone 3

**THIS IS SO LONG I CANT EVEN EXPLAIN HOW MANY TIMES I RE-DID THIS**

**-I deliberately made spelling mistakes for Cartman, because he's such a lazy ass motherfucker**

* * *

**Cartman's phone 3.**

You: and then so i said "wendy dnt b such a pussy its only ur virginity, its not like ur loosing a leg or whateva" and then she said "wow ur so rite eric, wat a huge dik u have" nd then we did it on the floor, rite in front of stan

Butters: Really? And what did Stan say?

You: oh uh  
You: he was like "wow cartman wats ur secret" nd i was like "its all in the technique" and then he jacked off 2 my thrusts

Butters: That's incredible!

Poorboy: wow  
Poorboy: that couldn't get more gay, even if you tried

You: shutup kenny

Poorboy: my bullshit radar is high

You: fuck off is it  
You: im telling the truth

Butters: Is he lying?

You: no

Poorboy: of course he is, butters

You: y the fuck would i lie about that

Poorboy: are you really asking me this question

Butters: I'm a bit confused:S

You: all u need to kno butters is that its true  
You: so tell every1 about it ok

Butters: If you say so, Eric:-)

_Asshole Craig was added to the group.._

You: wtf, who added this asshole

Asshole Craig: Fuck you to whoever added me to this.

Butters: I just texted Heidi about it:D

You: sweeeet

Poorboy: omg talk about face palm

Asshole Craig: Can someone delete me, please.

Poorboy: lol no

You: craig, man up

Poorboy: cartman, don't you get what will happen when stan finds out about this bullcrap story

You: i know what im doin so sh

Asshole Craig: I'm serious. Delete me.

Butters: She said she doesn't believe it:/

You: wtf  
You: tell that bitch that if she dont believe it, ill rape her

Poorboy: .. what

Asshole Craig: Uh..

Butters: ._. Really?

Asshole Craig: What is this even about  
Asshole Craig: Second thought. I don't wanna know

Poorboy: fatass is claiming that he took wendy's virginity, while stan was in the room masturbating

You: dam rite i did

Asshole Craig: Wow

You: see  
You: its believable

Asshole Craig: That is absolutely fucking incredible.  
Asshole Craig: This obviously tells me that Cartman is actually a virgin

Poorboy: yeah fatass, face the facts, you're gonna be one of those 40 year old virgins that have loads of cats and have subscribed to like 100 porno sites

Butters: Now I'm really confused:/

You: fuck you kenny  
You: and fuck u 2 craig, u gay piece of shit

Poorboy: "gay piece of shit"

Asshole Craig: Wendy lost it to Stan, about two years ago.

Poorboy: thanks to me

Butters: Oh o-o

Asshole Craig: Whatever.

You: u fags can believe wat u want  
You: hey craig, is spastic with u?

Asshole Craig: What?

You: is spastic with u

Poorboy: he means tweek, dude

Asshole Craig: Oh, no.

You: shame

Asshole Craig: Why

_Tweek T. was added to the conversation_

You: hey tweek, ur dads a secret homo and eats cock 4 breakfast and insted of ketchup, he uses ur sweat from ur shirts and he smells ur underwear and uses it as lube in which he penetrats himself while lookin at a picture of the most wanted peado on earth while riding a horse

You: backwards

Poorboy: what the actual fuck

Asshole Craig: This is why nobody likes you.

Tweek T.: WHAT?!##$!4

Butters: Oh boy..

You: its true he sent me a photo

Tweek T.: I d0n't want to see!$"1

You: *Sent a photo*

Butters: I hope my dad doesn't hack into my phone again:S

Tweek T.: wHat is that?!

Poorboy: all i see is the holocaust

You: thats because it is the holocaust you fucking retard

Poorboy: im the retard

Asshole Craig: Cartman, what the fuck

Tweek T.: That's totally gross, dude!

Poorboy: fatass, do us all a favour and fall into a pit of sharp pencils

You: what a comeback

Poorboy: was the first thing that came to my head

Tweek T.: IS MY DAD REALLY A HOMO?

Poorboy: no

You: yes

Asshole Craig: No.

Butters: :-)

_Butter's has been removed from the conversation._

Poorboy: why did you kick butters

You: he was annoying

Asshole Craig: Do the same with me.

You: no

Asshole Craig: I'M FUCKING SERIOUS

You: lolololololololololololololol

Poorboy: same actually

Tweek T.: mY phone wont stop buzzzingg!

Poorboy: don't you mean..

Poorboy: ..  
Poorboy: vibrating?;)

You: lame

Asshole Craig: That's it  
Asshole Craig: Fuck you  
Asshole Craig: Fuck you  
Asshole Craig: Fuck you  
Asshole Craig: Fuck you  
Asshole Craig: Fuck you  
Asshole Craig: Fuck you  
Asshole Craig: Fuck you  
Asshole Craig: Fuck you  
Asshole Craig: Fuck you  
Asshole Craig: Fuck you

You: wtf

Asshole Craig: Fuck you  
Asshole Craig: Fuck you  
Asshole Craig: Fuck you  
Asshole Craig: Fuck you  
Asshole Craig: Fuck you  
Asshole Craig: Fuck you  
Asshole Craig: Fuck you  
Asshole Craig: Fuck you

You: stop

Asshole Craig: Fuck you  
Asshole Craig: Fuck you  
Asshole Craig: Fuck you  
Asshole Craig: Fuck you  
Asshole Craig: Fuck you  
Asshole Craig: Fuck you  
Asshole Craig: Fuck you  
Asshole Craig: Fuck you  
Asshole Craig: Fuck you  
Asshole Craig: Fuck you  
Asshole Craig: Fuck you  
Asshole Craig: Fuck you

_Asshole Craig has been removed from the conversation._

You: fucking cock suker

Tweek T.: Where did CRaig go?

You: he died

Poorboy: no he didn't

Tweek T.: He what?!

_Tweek T. has been removed from the group._

Poorboy: well congratulations

You: ty

Poorboy: but anyway  
Poorboy: let me tell you about the date i had last night

You: no, i dont want 2 listen 2 ur gay pornos

Poorboy: wtf

Poorboy: fine

Poorboy: screw u fatboy

You: trailer trash

Poorboy: ;)

* * *

That was for PrettyLittleSouthParker - Thank you for all the nice messages, it was a good to wake up to:)


	18. Ike's phone

**This one kinda sucks, but this is for Guest (will do better in future with this one)**

* * *

**Ike's phone.**

You: Where are you? You didn't come back last night

Kyle: Oh, I forgot to say, I stayed round Stan's

You: Ma was worried

Kyle: When isn't she?

You: Ikr. When are you coming back?

Kyle: Uh  
Kyle: Late probably

You: Ma said she wants you back for supper

Kyle: Tell her I'm eating out

You: She said she's made enough for us all and doesn't want leftovers

Kyle: Well tell her she's gonna have to make leftovers. I'll have it for lunch or something

You: Look, I'm not getting involved  
You: She had a right go at me last time I passed on a message

Kyle: Just tell her okay  
Kyle: Fuck, she just texted me

You: Shit  
You: Lmao, good luck with that one

Kyle: Ike, you gotta save me

You: No, you're on your own this time  
You: I always save your ass

Kyle: She doesn't like me  
Kyle: She loves you, she'll listen to you

You: Hahaha

Kyle: Bro, I'm serious.

You: Just don't open the text  
You: Then turn your phone off, so when she tries to call, she'll think your phone is dead

Kyle: Good point

You: So when she starts lecturing you, you'll have a good excuse:)

Kyle: Thanks, dude  
Kyle: I'll turn it off now, just in case she rings me

You: Okay

Kyle: Oh, and delete this conversation. You know what she's like

You: Say hi to Stan for me!

Kyle: Lol, bye, Ike

* * *

**Also, I realised that the 'autism' comment in a couple of chapters back may have caused offence. That wasn't intennnded! It's just I was trying to get into the character,**

**should have gave a warning really, will do in future!**


	19. Bebe's phone

**Bebe's phone.**

Ken: a little birdie told me that you broke up with a certain somebody

You: Clyde is a dick.

Ken: i totally agree  
Ken: dont tell him that though

You: I mean, what was I thinking?!

Ken: totally, totally

You: Taco Bell? That's the sort of place you take your grandma!

Ken: oh wow  
Ken: yeah, thats really bad  
Ken: you deserve better

You: I can't believe I wasted my time with someone like that..

Ken: i totally understand  
Ken: yeah, clyde isn't the smartest of people

You: You don't need to be smart to have a relationship

Ken: well you don't seem too choked up about it, which is good

You: I'm just angry, but it's over now. I'm not going back:)

Ken: okay good, because he's already got another girlfriend

You: WHAT?

Ken: yeaah, dont tell him i told you that

You: ANOTHER GIRLFRIEND?  
You: WE ONLY BROKE UP TWO DAYS AGO

Ken: holy crap

You: SO HE JUST THOUGHT HE'D GO AND SCREW SOME SLUT OFF THE STREET?

Ken: well actually she's called zoey or something and she works in a cafe  
Ken: she doesn't go to our school  
Ken: shit, dont tell him i told you that

You: ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?

Ken: oh yeah and another thing  
Ken: he cheated on you with red lmfao  
Ken: fuck  
Ken: i shouldnt have said that  
Ken: please dont tell him i told you  
Ken: bebe?  
Ken: ...  
Ken: bebe, it's been like 20 mins

You: Sorry, I had to take a minute to calm down.

Ken: .. are you okay?

You: :)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Ken: shit  
Ken: what are you planning  
Ken: seriously, leave me outta this

You: Fancy coming round?;) x

Ken: wait what

You: You can stay the night;) x

Ken: holy fuck, bebe  
Ken: really?

You: Yup;D

Ken: sure, I'll be round tonight  
Ken: oh wait, i cant

You: ?

Ken: i forgot, im in a relationship  
Ken: kinda

You: With who?

Ken: uh, just some person

You: But my parents aren't home.

Ken: ...  
Ken: i'll be there in 5

* * *

**This was for Megan - It was originally supposed to be romantic, but it ended up like this ahaha, but thanks again for the messages!**


	20. Kyle's phone 3 (Part 1)

**This one is for AriJustAri - I'll post the other half after I've posted one other request, I just wanted to even out the characters a bit :)**

* * *

**Kyle's phone 3 (part 1?).  
**  
Stan: Sooooo  
Stan: how're you feeling?

You: My head hurts, but I think I'm okay  
You: I think my drink got spiked

Stan: yeah it did, you only had like 2 drinks hahaha

You: I know-_-

Stan: soooo  
Stan: remember anything from last night?

You: Not much, I think I may have passed out

Stan: I see..

You: What

Stan: no, I was just wondering that's all

You: Dude, what happened

Stan: nothing I swear

You: Did I strip?  
You: Oh god, Stan, please don't tell me I stripped

Stan: you didn't strip, don't worry

You: Stan

Stan: kyle

You: Tell me what happened  
You: I'd rather you tell me

Stan: Nothing! really, nothing happened

You: *Narrows eyes*

Stan: ...  
Stan: okay, I'll tell you, but only because I'm a good friend okay

You: Okay..

Stan: do you remember getting off with anyone last night?

You: No?  
You: Wtf  
You: Omg  
You: Please say we didn't..?! 1/!3/#124$

Stan: no, what?!  
Stan: dude?!

You: Idk, you're being weird and I'm getting nervous!  
You: Who was it?!  
You: Was it anyone from school?

Stan: uh, yeah

You: It was a girl, right?

Stan: um  
Stan: i'm scared to say now

You: DUDE  
You: FUCKING TELL ME

Stan: YOU'RE MAKING ME ANXOUS

You: YOU'RE ANXOUS? WHAT ABOUT ME

Stan: I'M SORRY OKAY, BUT WHEN I TELL YOU, YOU ARE LITERALLY GOING TO SHIT YOURSELF AND BREAK DOWN AND I'M NOT PREPARED TO BE RESPONSIBLE FOR THAT OKAY, I'M JUST A 17 YEAR OLD BOY

You: Just get it over and done with, Stan

Stan: okay  
Stan: um, well..  
Stan: it was cartman

You: Wait, what?

Stan: I thought you would rather hear it from me than someone else

You: STAN WHAT TEH FUCK, NO MY LIFE IS OVRE NO YUO DON'T UNDERSTNAD WTF SERIOUSLY, WHAT AM I GOIGN TO DO

Stan: It was only for like 5 seconds  
Stan: before you threw up and fell over lmfao

You: ARE YOU FUKCING SERIOUSF  
You: ARE YOU SURE IT WAS HIM

Stan: I'm sure  
Stan: I was trying to find kenny and stuff and when I walked into the corridor, I saw you guys  
Stan: mind you, he didn't look partially sober either

You: Brb, killing my self

Stan: don't freak out on me  
Stan: ...  
Stan: uh, are you okay?

You: nO  
You: I've got to sort this out

Stan: look I can help  
Stan: please don't kill yourself

You: STAN I CAN NEVER SHOW MY FACE AGAIN  
You: WHAT WILL MY PARENTS SAY WHEN THEY FIND OUT?

Stan: they won't find out

You: Dude

Stan: okay, they might but that's not the point

You: Who else knows?!

Stan: just kenny  
Stan: when I told him, a bit of vomit came up  
Stan: I wasn't sure if it was becasue I couldn't get the picture out of my head or if it was because I ate too much bread again

You: Tmi  
You: So, only Ken knows?

Stan: yeh

You: Okay, good

Stan: and wendy

You: STAN

Stan: hey, don't worry! she said she wont tell anyone

You: Yeah, right.

Stan: she wont, she promised

You: Whatever

Stan: oi, don't be angry with me, at least you didn't suck his dick or anything

You: O94yEOAd  
You: DON'T PUT THAT FUCKING IMAGE IN MY HEAD, STAN

Stan: I'M JUST SAYING

You: WELL DON'T, I'M STRESSING OUT ENOUGH AS IT IS

Stan: it's actually pretty funny when you think about it

You: HOW THE FUCK IS IT FUNNY?  
You: No, don't explain  
You: I need to sort this out now, otherwise it's going to eat me alive

Stan: Okaaay, need any help?

You: No  
You: I'll come to yours after

Stan: just don't do anything stupid okay

You: Dude, it's me

Stan: I know but still

You: I hate my life.


	21. Butters' phone 3

**Being honest, it's kinda hard to write a pairing that you reaaallly don't ship,,**  
**But nonetheless, I did my best, considering I really dislike this pairing**  
**-This is for the Guest who asked for this:)**

* * *

**Butters' phone 3.**

You: So where do you wanna go tomorrow?:D

Kenny!: tomorrow?

You: Yeah, remember you agreed that we should hang out more?

Kenny!: i did?  
Kenny!: oh, i remember, yeah  
Kenny!: well you still don't have a licence do you?

You: No, not yet:( My parents still don't trust me to drive a car yet:(:(

Kenny!: alright, well i don't wanna spend too much on gas, so we should just walk into town or whatever

You: We could go shopping or something?

Kenny!: eugh, i don't really have any money to buy anything new  
Kenny!: what about harbucks?

You: I don't really like the smell of coffe:(

Kenny!: hmmm  
Kenny!: what about we go swimming?

You: Where? There's no swimming centre in South Park

Kenny!: starks pond?

You: It's December, it would be freezing!

Kenny!: oh yeah, i forgot that freezing to death is actually bad  
Kenny!: well how about we go see a movie then?

You: I thought you said you had no money?

Kenny!: ..  
Kenny!: uhh, butters?

You: Yeah?

Kenny!: can i borrow 10 bucks?:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

You: Well, sure!

Kenny!: aw, you're the best, dude  
Kenny!: but i aint watchin no romantic shit, i cant keep my cool when it comes to the hot scenes

You: I'm good with whatever:-)

Kenny!: okay, cool  
Kenny!: i'll pick you up at like 1 or something

You: Sure! We could have takeaway pizza afterwards too, if you want?:-)

Kenny!: oh?;)  
Kenny!: i'm up for that  
Kenny!: just one question

You: Cool! What is it?

Kenny!: will your parents be home?

You: I think so:]

Kenny!: gay  
Kenny!: ah well, that wont matter

You: What do you mean?

Kenny!: nothing  
Kenny!: ;)  
Kenny!: tomorrow then?

You: Tomorrow!

Kenny!: sweeeet  
Kenny!: see ya, butters xo

You: Bye, Kenny! 

* * *

**omg did i actually reach 50 reviews? -cough- BECOOLBECOOL -cough- Really wasn't expecting that, so thank you!**


	22. Kyle's phone 3 (Part 2)

**This was kinda supposed to be short, sorry for the delay!**

* * *

**Kyle's phone 3 (Part 2?)**

You: Whatever you're planning, I want you to stop.

Fatass: wat?

You: Stop it.

Fatass: i have no idea wat ur talking about jew

You: Don't play dumb, Cartman.

Fatass: im going 2 need u 2 calm down

You: Don't fucking tell me to calm down.

Fatass: i can almost see the jewish steam from here kahl

You: I'm serious, Cartman.

Fatass: 4 srsly i have no idea wat ur talking about

You: Last night.

Fatass: wat about last night

Fatass: wait

Fatass: alrite who the fuk raped me

You: No-one fucking raped you

You: Wait

You: You don't remember anything?

Fatass: remember wat

You: Oh

You: Nothing, don't worry

Fatass: no

Fatass: do i remember wat jew

You: Uh

You: Oh right, yeah, you fell over, was wondering if you remembered it

Fatass: o

Fatass: was that wen i made heidi spill her drink down her nd then she slapped me

You: Yeah, that must be the one

Fatass: rite..

You: Tubby

Fatass: fuk off

Fatass: im big boned

You: That means your bones are fat too

Fatass: and ur still a joo

You: Fantastic


	23. Token's phone 2

**This is for Guest who asked for this,,  
**

* * *

**Token's phone 2.**

Donovan: so ur telling me that wendy testerburger, stan's long loving crush, sexted u?

You: Yeah, I didn't know what to do

Donovan: dude  
Donovan: THIS IS WENDY TESTERBURGER  
Donovan: HOW THE FUCK DID U MANAGE 2 DO THAT BRO?

You: Well  
You: It was her idea, really

Donovan: i have no1 2 high five with

You: I even have a few pictures Rofl

Donovan: what  
Donovan: no. way.

You: I might delete them though

Donovan: NO  
Donovan: GOD HAS GIVEN YOU THE SWEETEST OF GIFTS  
Donovan: THROWING SOMETHING LIKE THAT AWAY IS JUST LIKE DRINKING FRESH COLD WATER INFRONT OF AFRICIAN CHILDREN

You: Uh Okay?  
You: But we're friends. I don't think I could keep something like that, someone might get a hold of them

Donovan: What kind of friend sends nudes

You: Hey, Clyde  
You: Clyde  
You: Do you think  
You: That she wants  
You: The...  
You: D?

Donovan: omfg yes  
Donovan: be a dick and dont give it to her

You: I might play hard to get, see how she likes it haha

Donovan: yes this is perfect

You: Then again, she is hot

Donovan: dont fall for it dude  
Donovan: dont forget, she always comes to you just before she gets with marsh again

You: True

Donovan: i was watching him check her out the other day

You: Oh, like you haven't had a good look

Donovan: yeah, but this was while she was in the middle of talking to you

You: So?

Donovan: he was like a hawk  
Donovan: like he was watching her every move  
Donovan: he was doing it for a good 2 mins  
Donovan: but then he caught me looking at him and he stopped and headbutted broflovski in the face lmfao

You: Wow  
You: Thanks for that

Donovan: hey thats what im here for  
Donovan: its what bros do  
Donovan: im here 4 u

You: I can see

Donovan: ;)

You: Crap, she just texted me

Donovan: what she say

You: "Good morning:) xx"

Donovan: fuck yeah  
Donovan: u got 2 xx's, that means she wants it now and has been thinking about it all night  
Donovan: dude, she totally dreamt about u

You: Doubt it

Donovan: token i know all about this shit

You: Riiiight

Donovan: for real  
Donovan: what did u say

You: I just put "Morning, Wendy xx"

Donovan: NO EMOTICON?

You: IDK WHAT TO PUT, CLYDE

Donovan: BUT THAT LOOKS LIKE U WANT 2 TALK ABOUT POLITICS  
Donovan: THATS WHAT PARENTS PUT TO THEIR KIDS WHEN THEY R AWAY ON SUMMER CAMP OR SOMTHIN  
Donovan: u r not who i brought u up 2 be

You: You do realise that Wendy is literally the perfect person to talk politics to

Donovan: fuck u and ur A* shit

You: Is this because  
You: You're a..  
You: D GRADE STUDENT?  
You: GET IT?  
You: D?

Donovan: ur so shit at making jokes

You: That was the best pun today  
You: And it's only morning

Donovan: im leaving u 2 ur digital FREE porn

You: It's not porn

Donovan: IT BASICALLY IS AND UR NOT TAKIN ADVANTAGE OF IT U SIK FUCK

You: You are really something, Clyde

Donovan: im just a normal teenaged boy with hormones

You: Remember that time when you tried to fuck a plug socket, but then realised the hole was too small

Donovan: shutup  
Donovan: in my defence, it was my birthday

You: You were 13

Donovan: shutup

You: Hahaha

Donovan: im leaving

You: See ya, Clyde

Donovan: bye bro


	24. Stan's phone 3

**Stan's phone 3.**

You: I got a question

Kyle: Shoot

You: what the fuck do you do when your parents wont stop arguing

Kyle: They're fighting again?

You: yeh

Kyle: Just do what you normally do and come round mine

You: my mom is using me as a witness or something

Kyle: Okay?  
Kyle: For what

You: idk something to do with dad buying too much beer

Kyle: Oh

You: this is so stupid, I swear parents aren't supposed to bring their kids into their business

Kyle: Your parents do

You: no shit  
You: omg wtf

Kyle: What, what is it

You: my mom just shouted out 'I want a divorce' wtf no  
You: what the fuck

Kyle: Hasn't she said that before though?

You: yeah but this is different kyle

Kyle: How

You: she's never said it to his face before wtaf  
You: this is so retarded  
You: I fucking hate my life like for reals

Kyle: Shall I come over?

You: no

Kyle: Stan..

You: no im fine, really  
You: I dont want my parents to divorce

Kyle: I know, Stan

You: what the fuck am I going to do  
You: are you fucking hearing this  
You: Now shelly is pissing me off

Kyle: I'm serious, come to mine, I can help

You: oh yeah?  
You: can you help my fucking family?  
You: can you help them not get a fucking divorce?  
You: can you kyle?  
You: can you?!

Kyle: What else am I supposed to say?

You: I don't care

Kyle: Look, I'm sorry, okay  
Kyle: I never know what to do in these situations  
Kyle: The best I can do is offer my company

You: I want a hug

Kyle: Alright, I'll get my jacket

You: can I stay at yours please

Kyle: Sure, Stan, whatever you want

You: thanks

Kyle: I'm leaving now

You: dont come here, meet me at starks pond

Kyle: Okay, be careful

You: kyle Im not 5

Kyle: I'm trying to be caring, okay

You: if you wanna be caring, bring cornflakes

Kyle: I swear all you ever it is cereal

You: I like cereal

Kyle: You're like a cereal killer  
Kyle: ..  
Kyle: ;)

You: I acknowledge your pun

Kyle: Wow, you must really need some cheering up, huh

You: everything is shit

Kyle: Fuck, not this again

You: it's fucking true kyle, im telling you

Kyle: I'll get Ken to meet us

You: no  
You: he doesn't understand

Kyle: Stan, have you seen his parents?

You: I didn't mean it like that  
You: it's like, he has really bad parents right? so when he looks at mine he'll think im being a pussy or something

Kyle: He wouldn't think that, you know he wouldn't  
Kyle: Cartman? Yes, but not Kenny

You: whatever  
You: just dont bring him okay  
You: I just wanna be alone with you  
You: wtf that sounded so much better in my head  
You: dude, no homo

Kyle: I know what you meant  
Kyle: Oh, I see you

You: I'm waving

Kyle: .. I know, I can see

You: oh right, yeah  
You: hey, did you just face palm

* * *

**That was for RoyalBlueBunny,  
I've realised for a while, why do so many people adore Style, Creek and Bunny? I don't mind Style, but I was just wondering why those 3 are the main ones that people like?  
I suppose I'm just one of those phew that like the not so popular pairings haha**


	25. Kevin Stoley's phone

**Kevin Stoley's phone.**

You: KKK

Toke: Shutup, at least I'm not Asian

You: woah slow down there

Toke: What do you want, I'm rather busy sitting here watching my personal butler clean the poolside bar area

You: -_-

Toke: xo

You: why does Craig hate me

Toke: He doesn't hate you

You: he does

Toke: He hates a lot of people, Kevin, keep up

You: I'm serious, man  
You: like he ignores me  
You: why  
You: wHY

Toke: I don't know, ask him yourself

_Craig was added to the conversation_

You: wat

Craig: What do you want

Toke: Craig, Kev wants to know why you keep ignoring him

Craig: What

You: I never said that?!

Toke: Then why do you keep complaining to me about how miserable you are that Craig not paying attention to you anymore

You: Token, don't be an asshole, I never said that

Toke: Lol okay

You: I didn't?!

Toke: Pffff

Craig: I'm lost

Toke: Why are you ignoring Stoley, Craig

Craig: Huh?

You: dammit  
You: Craig, I'm gettin real tired of your shit

Craig: Deal with it.

Toke: Ouch

You: -_-  
You: Craig, if we've had a fallen out, could you please tell me, because I keep thinking I'm missing something here

Craig: What makes you think that

You: you're acting like a complete dick towards me

Craig: Yeah, because you didn't pay me back from that $30 I leant you.

You: ...  
You: THAT'S WHY!?

Craig: Well what else would it be

Toke: Oh, wow

You: THAT'S WHY YOU'VE BEEN IGNORING ME

Craig: Yeh.

You: OH MY FUKCIN DAYS MAN  
You: WELL THAKNS A FUCKINGI BUNCH FOR LETTING ME KNOW

Craig: Thought you were smart enough to figure it out.

Toke: Shots fired

You: I told you I would pay you back as soon as a get paid

Craig: That was a month ago.

Toke: Dude, you know how much Craig holds a grudge over money

You: I know, but I'm actually his friend, unlike Stan Marsh and those other queermos

Craig: Money is still money, Stoley.

You: pffff  
You: so as soon as I pay you back, you'll start being normal again?

Toke: Normal lol

Craig: Yup

You: fine, I'll bring it to your house tomorrow

Craig: Good.

_Craig has been removed from the conversation_

You: so Token

Toke: What

You: you know you wanna lend my 30 bucks

Toke: Fuck you

You: :(  
You: :'(  
You: hey Token  
You: you're my best friend

Toke: Don't go all faggy on me

You: I NEED 30 DOLLARS  
You: I'LL GIVE IT BACK I SWEAR  
You: I'll pay you back as soon as I get paid

Toke: Leave me alone.

You: well screw you then  
You: oh and 1 more thing  
You: I hate you


	26. Kindergoth's phone

**This is the Ruby you were asking for, right?!  
**

* * *

**Kindergoth's phone.**

Ruby T: MY FAVOURITE COLOR IS BLACK, LIKE MY SOUL  
Ruby T: BLACK UNDERSTANDS ME  
Ruby T: BLACK IDENTIFIES WHO I AM  
Ruby T: IM NOT AN EMO I JUST LIKE EMO THINGS

You: I'm not an emo.

Ruby T: Says the guy that wears black on every part of his body

You: emos are conformists.

Ruby T: Yeah, like I haven't heard that one before

You: Why does everyone match black with emo?

Ruby T: Same reason why people match blue with boys and pink with girls

You: That literally has nothing to do with anything

Ruby T: Sure it does

You: No it doesn't.

Ruby T: Gee, you sound like my brother back in his goth days

You: HE WASN'T A GOTH, HE WAS A SELF LOATHING EMOTIONAL RECK, WHO CAME TO US IN OUR CIRCLE OF DARKNESS TO SMOKE BEHIND THE WORLDS OF HELL

Ruby T: You mean school

You: I mean the woRLDS OF HELL

Ruby T: You're such a bummer omg  
Ruby T: You used to be cool until highschool and puberty started  
Ruby T: And don't start that dark shit with me, I don't want to get depressed

You: You misunderstand me

Ruby T: "No-one understands me"

You: THEY DON'T

Ruby T: *Sent a photo*

You: How dare you send photos of scene people. ew ew ewe ewe ewww

Ruby T: *Sent a photo*  
Ruby T: *Sent a photo*

You: EW STOP STOP STOP OKAY IM SORRY RUBY

Ruby T: ;)

You: Anyway, I kind of need some advice

Ruby T: If this is about the cigarette thing, then Craig is the one to go to

You: No, it's not that  
You: It's about this girl I kinda, maybe, sorta, perhaps like

Ruby T: Talk about a stuttering goth

You: Fuck off

Ruby T: Ahahaha  
Ruby T: Girl trouble, huh?

You: Not girl trouble, just advice

Ruby T: Can I guess who it is?

You: No

Ruby T: Ah come ooonn

You: You'll never guess who it is, you don't know them

Ruby T: Just let me have one guess

You: Nope

Ruby T: Pleeeeaaasseeee?

You: No  
You: Fine, one guess and one guess only

Ruby T: Is it me?

You: ..  
You: No.

Ruby T: It is me hahaha

You: How the hell did you figure that out, is it that obvious?

Ruby T: I read your diary;)

You: IT'S NOT A DIARY, IT'S A JOURNAL

Ruby T: Suuuuure

You: IT'S NOT

Ruby T: Whateeevver you say;)

You: -.-

Ruby T: We should go out

You: Yeah  
You: Wait  
You: Are you asking me out?

Ruby T: Well I'd rather not do this through text, but yah

You: Oh  
You: Well uh  
You: I'm lost for words

Ruby T: That's a first;)  
Ruby T: But seriously, get your butt to my house. I'm making brownies

You: Okay, I'll just finish up my rituals

Ruby T: Rituals hahaha

You: PERFORMING RITUALS ARE THE ONLY WAY I CAN CONNECT WITH THE GATES OF HELL AND BEFRIEND ARE WORTHY SATAN THAT LIES AMONG US

Ruby T: Don't you mean beneath?

You: Shutup

* * *

**Tried my best with Kindergoth's personality. He's sorta of a quiet type of character, but this is what I came up with, hope you like it! - For This is for .SP**


	27. Butter's phone 4

**To the Guest that asked for Christophe and Gregory: I'm sooo sorry, but you wouldn't believe me if I said I haven't actually watched the South Park movie yet! I KNOW DONT KILL ME, ITS LIKE THE ONLY ONE I HAVENT WATCHED YET, but if you have another request, I'll do that instead:) - I literally have watched all the South Park episodes, and I know how they sort of talk and stuff, I just don't want to do those two characters that I hardly know, so apologies for that!**

**^wow, long ass apology there**

**hi**

* * *

**Butters' phone 4.**

You: I heard a rumour about you, Craig!

Craig T: I don't care, Butters.

You: Don't care? But what if it's true?!

Craig T: Like I said, I don't care.

You: So it is true?

Craig T: What part of "I don't fucking care" don't you understand

You: Gee, I didn't mean to offend you, Craig :S

Craig T: It's fine

You: But I really need to know if this is true or not!

Craig T: ..

Craig T: I give up. Need to know if what's true

You: If you're secretly in love with yaoi fan boys?

Craig T: ..

Craig T: What?!

Craig T: How the fuck does that make any sense at all

You: So it's true?:OO

Craig T: Butters, do you even know what yaoi is

You: Well sure I do!

You: It's the cartoon pornography with the tentacles, right?

Craig T: What the

Craig T: Yeah, that's the one

You: I saw a real life version once:-)

Craig T: Right..

You: And then afterwards my bowels were so bad, I had the shits:( My parents gave me these tablets that you insert through the anus and a week later, I was perfectly normal again!:-)

Craig T: I didn't fucking ask for a life story, Butters. Jesus fucking Christ

You: It's okay, because now I know what was wrong with me!

Craig T: I don't want to know

You: Are you sure?

Craig T: 100%

Craig T: I don't think I need to guess who started this rumour

You: Well I heard from Eric, that he heard from Kyle, that he heard from Stan, that he heard from Token, that he then heard from Clyde, who had heard from Kenny that you apparently told him you watch it everyday

Craig T: I'm going to fucking kill that son of a bitch.

You: But then Eric started mentioning stories about how he knew you were a queer and apparently you told him that you wanted to do your faggy charms on him, to get him to like you? I couldn't really keep up with it all..

Craig T: What the fuck

Craig T: He's such a fucking weirdo, I swear he's actually a homo.

Craig T: Butters, none of its true

You: Really?

Craig T: I don't need to repeat myself.

You: Sooo I should tell the guys that it's all a lie?

Craig T: If you want, I don't care

You: If someone's making up something about you, wouldn't you want to know about it?!

Craig T: I do know about it

You: Don't you want to do something about it?

Craig T: Oh hang on, let me think

Craig T: Um

Craig T: No

You: Oh

You: Well I suppose I should leave you to it?:-)

Craig T: Finally.

You: Okay, well see you tomorrow, Craig!:D

Craig T: How fortunate

You: :-) :-) :-)

* * *

**For GolfBallFan**


	28. Kenny's phone 4

**Special thanks for Serendipityrain711, for being my main viewer and keeping me updated with what you think, its always nice to wake up to one of your messages, so this ones for you, like you asked c:**

**No doubt a thanks to all my other readers and followers on here aswell, much appreciated!**

**Warning: shit grammar**

* * *

**Kenny's phone 4.**

You: KYYYLLLLLLLEEE

K: You seem enthusiastic

You: im not 12 ok

K: What?

You: wait sh

You: ky shh a min

You: whispers*

You: oniONS HAVE LAYERS GAHGA

K: Are you drunk?

You: no wtf thats an awful thong 2 say wtf kyle

K: Haaving fun?;)

You: i didnt tell them i swear

You: blame clyed hes a pigeon shh

You: I WAS GONIG 2 CALL U BUT I GOTTEN ZERO CALLS LEFT:, THE GOVERNMINT IS SWORN TO LABOUR SECREXY DNT U UNDERSTSND

K: Omg:')

You: im kiddin i am sobar

K: "Sobar"

You: i miss you loads baby xx

K: Oh?;)

You: *Sent a photo*

K: Is that your foot?

You: oh fuck me sorry, hang on

You: *Sent a photo*

K: What are you doing

You: IAM TRYNIG 2 TKE A SELFIE ON ALL 4'S iTS HARD BECUASE MY TOP FELL OFFS

K: .. Your shirt fell off?

You: i lost my cloths

You: my cloths kyl

You: WHRE IS STAN KYEL IM HAVIN ANXITEY

K: I really love it when you get drunk and text me, it literally makes my week worth while

You: are you confesing your love 2 me babiy

You: y arnt you here anyway i wanna dnce

K: I already told you why

You: fuck off did you

You: ignor the first bit

K: It's a Jewish thing

You: happy honika

K: HONIKA HAHAHA

You: I found stan he tells me 2 say 2 u that he loves you and hopes you enjoy your turkey breastsa

You: ignor the last part

K: Dam, it actually sounds like you're having a good time

You: ITS NO FUN WITHOUT YOU KYEL

K: I'm touched

You: by who ill kick ther ass

You: fucK IV LOST STAN AGIAN FUKCIN HELL

K: It's only like 11pm

You: ARGGHG IM PISSED OF

K: Why are you pissed off

You: im not?

K: But you just said you are

You: yea but kyl i think iv got a problem

K: If you're gonna throw up, find a sink

You: no its worse

K: Period?

You: no

You: worse

You: im juST SO FUCKIN HORNY FUXCJ OFF

K: This reminds me of the time you tried to hump Stan's leg ahaha

You: wel im sorry but my hormones tel me 2 do things wen i drink

K: You are sooo going to regret this in the morning xD

You: hump ne

K: Ahahaha

You: im so sorry kyle ily x

K: Night, Ken

You: cxxxxxdddcvvby3 h#,*++

* * *

**I didn't actually tell y'all, but majority of these are based on my real text conversations ahaha**


	29. Tweek's phone 3

**JUST REACHED 11000 VIEWS, LIKE WOW THAT MIGHT NOT BE ALOT FOR Y'ALL BUT FOR ME ITS LIKE WOA**

**im ok I swear**

**p.s: i got intO COLLEGE FUCK YEAG**

* * *

**Tweek's phone 3.**

You: CRAIG

You: CRAIG

You: CRAIG

You: CRAIG

You: CRAIG

You: CRAIG

You: CRAIG

You: CRAIG

Craig: Tweek, you've really got to lay off the caffeine, it's 4AM. I've only been asleep an hour

You: I'm sorry, man!

Craig: It's fine. I'll call you in the morning, okay?

You: But it is morning?!

Craig: As soon as I'm able to function, I'll call you

You: nO, please don't leave me!

You: I can't sleep I can't sleep

Craig: Why can't you sleep

You: MY head hurts

Craig: Why does your head hurt

You: I don't know?!

Craig: You haven't been pulling your hair out again, have you?

You: No, I swear!

Craig: Don't lie

You: I didn't mean to

Craig: Tweek

Craig: You really need to stop doing that

You: Don't tell me what to d0

Craig: Well if you want to get fucking better, then I suggest you actually fucking listen to me for once

You: wHy

Craig: Uh, because you're my friend and funnily enough, the guys are actually worried about you.

You: But you can't just tell someone to stop an aDDICTION, you know that!

Craig: Calm down

You: NO, YOU CALM DOWN

Craig: Alright, what have you taken

You: Nothing

Craig: Tweek.

You: Tweek.

Craig: If you don't want my help, then fine.

You: I'm outside yoUR WINDOW

Craig: Wait, what?

You: It's cold out here, pLease open the door, Craig!

Craig: Fuck sake, what is wrong with you tonight

You: I'm sorry

Craig: I'll come let you in, just don't freak out when you see my morning face.

You: I WOn't

* * *

**-For guest**


	30. Karen's phone

**Okay so if Kenny is in the years of 16 going on 17, then karen must be 13 or something,,**

**side note: do you ever just wake up and think "wow im such a fucking loser"**

**..**

**LMAO ME NEITHER PFFF PFFFF NOT ME PFF NOPE**

* * *

Karen's phone.

You: Ken, you seriously need to get back here

Ken: wtf, i've only just got to tucker's place

You: No, really

You: You have to come back

Ken: uhm it's winter and it takes a half an hour fucking walk to get here, seeing as we live in the ghetto

You: Yeah, but bad things are happening

Ken: since when are they not

Ken: get kev to help the situation

You: He's the problem

Ken: what the fuck did he do this time, I swear to god he's worse than me

You: He's literally loosing it

You: Kenny, he's shouting and screaming I'm scared, I've never seen him like this before

Ken: kevin?

You: Yes and idk where mom went either

Ken: well, where is he?

You: I think he's in your room

You: Kenny, help

Ken: what am I supposed to do about it?

You: I don't care, you always do the right thing

You: Kevin has literally gone mad

Ken: has he been drinking?

You: I don't know, I think so

Ken: he gets bad when he drinks, just stay away from him

You: It reminds me of dad when he's wasted

Ken: i know, that's why kev doesn't tend to take the old bottle

Ken: people either get angry or happy when their drunk and our family is just one of those few that do get angry, idk why

You: Oh

You: I never see you get drunk

Ken: aaaand there's your reason

Ken: anyways, you remember where ruby lives, right?

You: Obviously, why?

Ken: well seeing as im here too, you might as well come over, that way you won't have anything to worry about

You: Her brother is an asshole though

Ken: so

Ken: dude, you're here to see ruby

You: I know

Ken: so what's the problem

You: Will Keven be okay?

Ken: he'll be fine

Ken: he just needs to sober up that's all

You: Shall I bring my backpack?

Ken: yeah and don't forget your toothbrush x

You: See you soon xx

* * *

**For Guest**


	31. Stan's phone 4

**I thought this one was kinda boring, but this is for RegularShowMemorabilia**

* * *

**Stan's phone 4.**

Kyle: Merry Christmas, Stan(:

You: You too, kyle

You: what are you doing today? same as last year?

Kyle: Well actually, my parents think I'm old enough now to be left alone for a couple days, so they've gone away to my uncle's house, while Ike and I stay here

You: It sucks that you guys don't celebrate Christmas

Kyle: Now my parents are gone, Ike and I are having our own haha

You: come round mine

Kyle: Nah, that's okay

You: I'm serious, it's only me, dad and grandpa this year

Kyle: What, why?

You: well mom wanted to go see her parents this year and said it would be good if her and dad had time apart

You: and shelly went with her

Kyle: Oh wow

You: yeah

You: I swear the older we get, the shittier our lives get

Kyle: I'm with you on that

You: dude, come round

Kyle: Really?

You: yeah, my dad doesn't really care and honestly, I'd rather not spend time on my own all depressed and shit

Kyle: Haha, alright, Ike's just finishing up his breakfast

You: I've got you the best gift ever ok

Kyle: I was gonna drop yours round tomorrow

Kyle: I wonder what Kenny is doing this year

You: we'll call him, but I think he took the chance to work today

Kyle: Fun times for him

You: dude, we should like totally surprise him

Kyle: Haha omg, yes

You: he would literally hate us forever lmao

You: anyways, I better get changed

Kyle: Yeah, I'll see you in a bit

You: okaaaay


	32. Pete's phone

**I've had a bit of a break from this, but I officially start college tomorrow (KILL ME PLEASE DHBSB) so I'll keep updating requests!**

**This is for xSylennybuttmanx, your reviews were insane! I couldn't keep up with them haha, thank you**

**Mich= Michael (CAPTAINOBVIOUS)**

* * *

**Pete's phone.**

Stan. M: and in that moment, I felt my heart dissolve into the centre of her palms. everything I ever worked for had literally been vanished into thin air. my dignity had shattered and my pride had been snatched away from me. it was from then on, when I believed nothing was worth it. It was then, when I found the other side of me. I found darkness

Stan: soooo

Stan: whatdya think?

Henrietta: Well that was.. something

You: it was shit.

Stan. M: what?!

Mich: Yeah, you're losing it again, Marsh

You: yeah, why do you always have to talk about your stupid heart breaking?

Stan. M: what's wrong with that?

Firkle: It's gay is what's wrong with it

You: yeah, totally gay

Henrietta: Haven't you learnt anything we've taught you in these past 7 years?

Stan. M: I LITERALLY SPENT 20 MINS TYPING THAT OUT FUCK YUO ALL

Mich: You will never have what it takes to become cool like us.

You: yeah

Firkle: Yeah

Henrietta: Precisely.

Stan: ah whatever, you guys have never been cool

Stan: and everyone thinks you suck eachothers asses so

Henrietta: What?!

Mich: Excuse you.

Stan: Basically, you're the definition of fag lol

Firkle: ... No

Stan: uh yah

You: fuck off, Stan

Mich: Wait a second. So you're calling us fags, yet you always come to us when you're crying over your girlfriend, because she dumped you for some other guy. And then you turn into a conformist- the complete opposite of what we are and then cry some more about how much you hate yourself?

Stan: Wow, don't get butthurt

You: then don't be a fucking asshole towards us.

Stan: hey guys, remember that time when everyone liked you

Stan: oh wait

Stan: me neither

Henrietta: Wow.

_Stan has been removed from the_ _conversation._

You: what a fucking loser.

Mich: Yeah, remind me not to speak to that bastard ever again.

You: i swear he's actually a tranny

Firkle: He'll probably come back to us next month

You: eugh.

Mich: Whatever. I need to smoke this out.

Henrietta: Now that's over with, I need to talk to you guys.

Firkle: Okay

You: go ahead.

Henrietta: My mom's being a total bitch. I need to find a way to destroy her without actually killing or harming her.

You: get your dad to have an affair

Henrietta: Already tried that.

Mich: Set fire to your house.

Henrietta: Tried that too.

You: hmm

Mich: And why can't you kill her again?

Henrietta: Because that's illegal, duh. I don't want to go to jail for something as stupid as that.

Mich: Right.

You: i'm out of ideas

Mich: Yeah, me too.

Henrietta: Oh come on, you guys.

Firkle: You could duct tape the whole house?

Mich: That's not even remotely hardcore.

You: yeah, that won't destroy her

Henrietta: Actually, that's not a bad idea..

Mich: What?

You: wat.

Henrietta: Yeah, you know my parents are obsessed with cleaning and all that crap, I might do that when they go away this weekend. Cool, thanks Firkle.

Mich: Who duct tapes a house?

Firkle: I heard Eric Cartman did it to his cousin or something once

Mich: God, I hate that guy

You: i think everyone does

Firkle: Yeh

Henrietta: Whatever. I'm going to order eight boxes worth of the stuff right now. Bye losers

You: kay.

Mich. Yeah, good luck with that anyways

Henrietta: Thanks.


	33. Stan's phone 5

**I ought to put the four of them together, so here ya go**

**pie**

**- Oh and a quick reply to Yami06 ni Hikari19: UM, THANK YOU x1003! IM ALSO GLAD SOMEONES WITH ME ON THE BUNNY THING! **

**Everyone don't kill me, but I think I just hate Butters' character as a whole. I think I just dislike the whole lovey dovey scenarios- I'm not the one for cute relationships hahahaliterallyforeveralone**

**^yes I also hate long authors notes because I never read them either but sorry here we go I promise**

* * *

** Stan's phone 4.**

_You have been added to a group conversation._

Ken: hey guys, how much do you think breast implants cost?

You: wtf

Fatass: depends wat size and how many u want done

Ken: both obviously, why the fuck would I only want one

Fatass: becuz ur a poor piece of crap and wouldnt b able to afford both lol

Kyle: Why the hell do you want breast implants for?

Ken: oh gee, I don't know, maybe because I wanna have tits? wasn't the question obvious, kyle

Kyle: ..Okay

You: Breast implants.. dude that's trippy. even for you

Fatass: kenny if u get implants, u will b a tranny

Ken: so? they're hot

Fatass: but they will be all hairy and fkin saggy as shit

Ken: like your moms then lmfaaao

Fatass: fk off

Kyle: I'll pay you not to have breast implants.

You: same

Ken: okay deal

Kyle: -_-

Fatass: fukin weirdos

Ken: shutup cartman, just because your tits are uneven

Fatass: FUCK OFF

Fatass: UP YOURS KAHL

Kyle: I didn't say anything?!

Ken: fuckin hell though, they are a bit outta my price range

You: Did you google it?

Ken: yah, but then I clicked onto pictures and now all I see is boobs and now I have a boner

Fatass: weak

Kyle: Not again

You: again?

Kyle: Yeah, something similar happened in class and he couldn't control himself

You: Pahahaha

Fatass: wtf

Ken: what? I can't help it

Ken: a mans gotta do what a mans gotta do ya know

Fatass: no i dont kno

Ken: well you wouldn't

Fatass: trailer trash

Ken: fuck off gay boy

Fatass: wat did u jus call me?

Ken: gay boy

Fatass: SAYS THE ONE WHO FUKIN DATES GUYS U QUEERMO

Ken: I don't date guys

Fatass: no, u jus get ur ass filled with diks and then they pay u 20 bucks at the end

You: guys can you stfu please

Ken: for the last time, I'm not a fuckin prostitute

Fatass: u kno it's funny, becuz thats exactly wat a prostitute would say

Ken: I'm not

Ken: okay, apart from that one time

Fatass: say no more

Kyle: Stan, I forgot to ask, how did your driving text go?

You: what

You: oh that

You: yeeaaah I fucked it up

Ken: get a moped

Kyle: What happened?

You: I can't do parallel parking

Fatass: wtf is that

You: I don't even know but I've just come to the conclusion that in order to pass my test, I'll have to kill myself first

Fatass: k

Kyle: You can always try again, dude

Ken: yeah, its not that hard the second time

Fatass: shutup poorboy, u r the shittest driver eva

Ken: you're just jealous because I passed first time, asshole

Fatass: only becuz u bribed ur examiner and fucked her

Ken: wtf, no I didn't

You: Wasn't she like 60 or something?

Ken: exactly

Fatass: milf

Ken: cartman, have you seen your mom

Fatass: yes i cant get the picture of her vagina out of my head

Fatass: wait a sec

Fatass: fuck that came out wrong

Kyle: What the shit

Ken: LMFAO

You: Dude wtf

Fatass: i meant becuz i was born out of it and

Fatass: oh fUCK U ALL

Fatass: UP URS KAHL

Kyle: What?! Stop blaming everything on me

Fatass: blame the Jews

Kyle: FUXKING STOP

Ken: you're all gay bye

_Fatass has been removed from the conversation._

_Kyle has been removed from the conversation._

_You have been removed from the conversation._


	34. Damien's phone

**REALLY DIDN'T LIKE WRITING THIS, I DON'T FEEL LIKE I KNOW THESE GUYS PROPERLY LIKE I DO THE OTHERS, BUT I HOPE ITS NOT TOO BAD**

**pip isn't really OC, but they're older now and I thought that if pip can't summon Damien THEN WHY NOT TRY AND GET HIS ATTENTION?**

**idk, but anyway this is foooorr Guest and British-piece-of-sheet **

* * *

**Damien's phone.**

You: You need to stop being a pushover, Pip.

Pip: Damien?!

You: It is I.

Pip: Where have you been?

You: I was called away for a while.

Pip: Five months is a bit longer than a while..

You: In mortal time, that is. But as I was saying, you need to stick up for yourself more, I can't always be there to protect you.

Pip: Oh, I know

You: I know you're capable of standing your ground.

Pip: I know

You: SO STOP GETTING YOURSELF BEATEN THE SHIT OUT OF

Pip: It's not that simple

You: Why not, I taught you how to punch straight.

Pip: It just isn't

You: Elaborate.

Pip: They're my friends

You: No they're fucking not. I've seen the way they treat you and you know it. Junkies like that are the reason why I have selected them into hell when they die.

Pip: You've been stalking me?

You: What? No

Pip: Basically, you've been stalking me

You: It's not called stalking.

Pip: Why haven't you come to me when I call you?

You: Being the son of Satan is a heavy job. I've been busy.

Pip: I've needed you

You: You rely on me too much.

Pip: I don't mean to be. You're my only friend

Pip: Everything I do to try and get you to visit me and nothing works

You: Wait a second. Are you deliberately getting yourself into trouble, just so I could come save your ass?

Pip: Trying to summon you is the hardest thing to do, there's so many rules

You: I don't get involved with summons. Primary demons deal with them.

Pip: I don't understand, I have your contact, but there's no number?

You: I'm capable of blocking numbers. I only came to tell you to go back to being normal.

Pip: Why are you sending this through text, why not come visit me and tell me?

You: Because that's exactly what you want.

Pip: Oh

You: It is was it is. Now, will you stop talking to those associates?

Pip: If that's what you want, then jollyo:)))

You: Don't get angry at me, I'm just doing what's best for you.

Pip: I'm not angry

You: Yes you are, I can see you from here.

Pip: Stop stalking me!

You: Fuck, oh yeah.

You: It's not called stalking.

You: I have to go. See you soon.

Pip: You promise this time?

You: I promise.


	35. Wendy's phone

**This is for Datgirl45,,**

**Will try to upload frequently, I'm just having a hard time at the mo(I know, it's not like this takes a long time to write), BUT I WILL CONTINUE WITH REQUESTS FOR YOU LOVELY SEXY MOFOS XXXXXDGHGV5\#%**

* * *

**Wendy's phone.**

Eric. C: hi bitch

You: Leave me alone, Eric

Eric. C: um

Eric. C: no

You: What do you want?

Eric. C: i think thats highly any of ur business

You: ?

Eric. C: lol jk

Eric. C: just came 2 say that stan was literily crying over u today lol pussy

You: Riiight.

Eric. C: im srsly

Eric. C: he was by his locker with gayboy kahl and i heard them 2 talking 4 real

You: Oh really? And what did he supposedly say.

Eric. C: he said that he couldn't believe u cheated on him

You: What?! No I didn't!

Eric. C: well hes told every1 that lol

You: He's bullshitting, I would never do that!

Eric. C: ok but like he also said that ur a cunt 2

Eric. C: and u have no ass

Eric. C: oh and ur views on hating nazis are fking retarded and he thinks u should kill urself to prevent ww3 from not happening

You: What the fuck? I don't even talk to him about that stuff, he hates politics and history

Eric. C: oh

Eric. C: yeah, he said there was this 1 time where u did so

You: Your friend is so immature.

Eric. C: hey dont hav a go at me, im just stating the evidential facts

You: Next time you see him, go and tell him to go fuck himself.

Eric. C: no wait, he said that he wants 2 speak 2 u tomorrow infront of the whole skewl and have it out there and then

Eric. C: so u can kick his ass then

You: Wow.

You: If that's what he wants, fine.

Eric. C: sooo

Eric. C: shud i go tell him it's on?

You: Yes, if that's what he wants.

Eric. C: sweeet

You: Oh and thanks, Eric

Eric. C: no probs, im here 4 u

You: Okay..


	36. Clyde's phone 3

**Did ya watch the new episode? it was alright, just hope it's better than season 17 ya know  
I ALWAYS WONDER, DO MATT AND TREY READ ALL THESE FANFICS AND THINK WTF? BECAUSE IT MUST BE REALLY CREEPY FOR THEM AND I LOVE IT HAHA SOMETIMES I THINK THEY TEASE THE FANDOMS A BIT AND EVERYONES LIKE :OOOO "THIS IS A SIGN"  
oh i love it all so much ahaha**

**-Heres a long one for ya all - Toke=Token, CT=Craig (just in case)**

**FOR TandreShipper**

**p.s YOUR COMMENTS ARE LOVELY, THANK YOU BILLIONS**

* * *

**Clyde's phone 3.**  
_  
Toke has been added to the conversation.  
CT has been added to the conversation.  
Tweekers has been added to the conversation._

You: yo, whos got free period now

Toke: Not me, I still got another hour of this shitty lesson

CT: And I'm at home

You: again?

CT: Yup

Toke: Craig, you gotta stop skipping school, man

CT: Don't lecture me, I already know.

Toke: Then stop doing it

CT: Whatever, it's not like I'm failing

You: lucky for some

CT: Shutup, Clyde, the reason you're failing is because you don't pay attention at all. You fall asleep in class, never even attempt homework, you don't take notes and don't even hand in your assignments on time.

Toke: He has a point. Even though Craig doesn't come in like he's supposed to, he does actually pay attention

You: wtf  
You: assholes, stop ganging up on me

Toke: The only thing going for you is literally football

CT: Which you drag us along to every Friday

You: oh come on  
You: u love seeing me kick ass

Toke: Yep, totally

You: speaking of friday, u guys comin 2 watch me play and look gorgeous and shit

Toke: As always

CT: Oh would you look at that, back to back episodes of Red Racer start on Friday, what a shame

You: dont u fucking dare craig  
You: that show is super lame, i cant believe u still watch it dude

CT: It's the only cartoon I like and I'm not missing it for anyone

Toke: Haha, hey Clyde, remember when Craig's room was plastered with it around his room

You: OMFG MATCHING CLOTHES PAHAAHAHA YES

CT: Fuck off

You: THE BEDDING AND PILLOWS

Toke: AND THE LAMP SHADE

You: PMSL AND THE FUCKIN RUG DUDE

CT: I got rid of that shit ages ago, give me a break.

You: psst  
You: and the red racer undeRWEAR ROFFFL

Toke: Omg, yes, his mom used to buy like 6 packets from Kmart

CT: Stop, that was 9 years ago.  
CT: Assholes, I actually hate you all.

Toke: At least we knew what to buy you for your birthday

You: true  
You: yh craig what happened 2 u, ur so complicated to buy 4 now

CT: Clyde, when I tell you not to buy me anything, I literally mean don't buy me anything.

You: bros always get eachother stuff, i cant take no 4 an answer

CT: Since when do I ever eat at fucking Taco Bell

You: HEY, THOSE COUPONS TOOK ME FOREVER TO FIND 4 UR BDAY, BE GREATFUL

CT: YES AW I'M SUPER DUPER GREATFUL CLYDE 4 DEM 50% OFF TACO COUPONS 1! #CUTEGIFTS #JUSTCLYDETHINGS #IHAVEAVAGINA

Toke: Lol

You: ;) im not called big donovan 4 nothing u kno

CT: Taco Bell is the reason why you're called big Donovan.

You: AND WTF IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

CT: Nothing, bye

Tweekers: SOrry, I had a stupid session with that lady again

Toke: Tweek, I've just seen you walk past the classroom. You do realise you're in room S9, with me right?

Tweekers: YEs

Toke: Then.. why did you just peek through the window and leave?

Tweekers: I NEED TO TAKE A PISS FIRST, THAT'S WHY

Toke: Oh right

CT: Token, didn't you know that caffeine makes you want to pee all the time

Toke: ALL RIGHT, NEXT TIME I WONT SHOW MY CONCERN

You: omg tweekers, come find me

Tweekers: Where are you?!

You: dw, stay there il meet u in the restroom

Tweekers: OK

Toke: Not meaning to turn you on or anything Clyde, but Bebe is wearing her lovely red lace bra on today

You: wtf  
You: how do u kno that

Toke: Her tank is waaay too see through  
Toke: Not that I'm complaining

You: fuck  
You: is her hair down too?

Tweekers: SLUT

Toke: It sure is

You: sweet mother of christ the jesus mary breasticles  
You: cant believe she broke up with me

CT: Can we stop talking about this.

Toke: I'll see if I can take a sneaky picture

Tweekers: CREEPY TOKEN  
Tweekers: Don't do that?!

Toke: _*Sent a photo*_

You: i cant see shit

CT: You guys are really something, you know that

Toke: I had to take it quick, that's why it's blurry  
Toke: I'll take another

CT: No

Tweekers: Oh god, how could you do that, that's so awkward?!

Toke: FUCACJV  
Toke: HELPF  
Toke: THE FLASH WAS ON BY MISTAKE FUCKING HELP

You: HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHHAAHAHAAHAHAHHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAAHDHAHAFHAFHAHAHDAUSUAUHAAAHAHUAAAHAHA

Toke: DUDE, EVERYONE LOOKED AT ME AND I HAD TO PRETEND I ACCIDENTLY CLICKED THE BUTTON

CT: Serves you fucking well right.

Tweekers: MAN, I WISH I WAS THERE TO SEE THAT NOW

Toke: I.. I think I'm going to kill myself

You: DUDE, THIS IS THE BEST

Tweekers: DID you get the photo?

Toke: Yes..  
Toke: _*Sent a photo*_

CT: Token, you're almost as bad as Clyde.

You: jesus, u can see the strapping and everything

Tweekers: SLUT

CT: I'm with Tweek

Toke: Still hot though  
Toke: Okay, I've got to stop texting, I keep getting looks

CT: Good

Tweekers: I'll be there in 5 OK

Toke: Kay

CT: Let me guess, Clyde. You saved the photo?

You: um  
You: wat, no i would never do something like that, gee who do u take me 4

CT: Wow.

You: i didn't!

CT: K

You: ok im keeping it for  
You: uh  
You: safe keeping ya know

CT: Aka, your future masturbation material.

You:..  
You: yes

CT: Classy

You: ;)

Tweekers: CLYDE, HURRY UP

You: oh sorry, il leave now lol


	37. Cartman's phone 4

**PunInserted OMFG THANK YOU SO MUCH, THAT WAS LOVELY, I FEEL SO SPECIAL THAT YOU THINK THAT SO THANK YOU LOADS**

**SAME WITH EVERYONE ELSE, I CAN'T BELIEVE PEOPLE ACTUALLY LIKE THIS HAHA HERE YA GO (kinda the second part to one of the other chapters)**

* * *

**Cartman's phone 4.**

HippieMarsh: WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU DONE YOU PIECE OF SHIT

You: woa

You: dude calm down

HippieMarsh: NO, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE, EVERYONE THINKS IM A WOMAN BEATER AND A FUCKING NAZI LOVER THANKS TO YOU

You: im going 2 need u 2 calm down stan

HippieMarsh: I FUCKING HATE YOU  
HippieMarsh: YOU'RE THE WORST PERSON EVER WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU

You: lol  
You: stan its ok

HippieMarsh: AND WTF HAVE I EVER DONE TO YOU HUH?  
HippieMarsh: YOU THINK THIS IS A JOKE?

You: um no, im not saying anything is a joke  
You: being a woman beater is nothing to be proud of

HippieMarsh: IM NOT A FUCKING WOMAN BEATER

You: r u sure

HippieMarsh: IS THIS HOW YOU GET YOUR FUCKING KICKS?  
HippieMarsh: YOU THINK THAT GETTING MY ASS KICKED BY BUTCH FEMINISTS IS FUNNY?

You: no body is laughing stan

HippieMarsh: I ACTUALLY NOW KNOW HOW IT FEELS TO GET THIS ANGRY AT YOU  
HippieMarsh: OF ALL THE FUCKING TIMES KYLE GETS ANGRYAT YOU, I NEVER UNDERSTAND BUT OH DO I NOW  
HippieMarsh: AND YOU'RE GONNA GET IT  
HippieMarsh: YOU'RE GETTING IT THIS TIME  
HippieMarsh: WATCH YOUR FUCKING BACK FATASS

You: wat  
You: no stan its not how it looks

HippieMarsh: SLEEP WITH ONE EYE OPEN

You: r u challenging me marsh

HippieMarsh: no, I'm promising you that you will pay for what you've done

You: oh come on it was just a rumour

HippieMarsh: JUST A FUCKING RUMOUR  
HippieMarsh: A RUMOUR THAT MAKES YOUR PARENTS THINK YOU BEAT WOMEN UP AND GET YOU KICKED OUT OF YOUR HOUSE FOR A DAY BECAUSE THEY DONT FUCKNIF LSITEN, YOU BASTARD  
HippieMarsh: AND NOT TO MENTION I HAVE ABOUT 90 BRUISES ON MY BODY

You: do u need time out

HippieMarsh: FUCK THIS, IM COMING TO YOUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW

You: wat  
You: dude no  
You: ok il tell everyone i made it up

HippieMarsh: no.  
HippieMarsh: I'm going to do something which will break you

You: ..  
You: do wat

HippieMarsh: I'm breaking your xbox

You: dude no  
You: I HAVE A GUN

HippieMarsh: good

You: FUCK OFF STAN  
You: hey stan  
You: stan  
You: stan?  
You: ..  
You: shit


	38. Craig's phone 2

**I just wanted to answer your review: Browsing-Lurker - Well I can see where you're coming from and everything, because obviously if Stan waaaas actually abused, then yes police and crap would be involved and all that jazz. But um.. dude, it's South Park lmao. since when do you ever see the show being realistic? It was all supposed to be a stupid humour thing going on, because Cartman likes to fuck things up and everyone gets angry and it's funny and stuff. But I appreciate you taking the time out for writing those long reviews and I thank you for the feedback**

**And thank you Icecubefrozen, that was lovely!**

**p.s: not all of these chapters are purposely funny, I just think up some weird things and stick them in hihihi**

* * *

**Craig's phone 2.  
**

McCormick: hey craig  
McCormick: craig  
McCormick: hey, hey craig  
McCormick: craig, craig hey  
McCormick: hey craig  
McCormick: stop ignoring me, you butt-crust

You: Go fuck yourself

McCormick: okay brb  
McCormick: done

You: Slut

McCormick: well thats rude

You: What do you want

McCormick: a lot of things  
McCormick: like food  
McCormick: would I kill to have a burger right now  
McCormick: like literally, I would kill myself for a hamburger

You: Why are you texting me, you're annoying as shit

McCormick: for that precise reason, craig

You: I know.

McCormick: hey craig, I got a good question for ya

You: Fuck off

McCormick: what do you put in a toaster  
McCormick: ...  
McCormick: ...  
McCormick: okay, I'll give you a clue  
McCormick: it's bread lmao  
McCormick: get it?  
McCormick: because normally people would say toast rofl  
McCormick: okay, what about this  
McCormick: instead of having headphones right

You: I don't fucking care.

McCormick: no, this is totally worth it, I promise you  
McCormick: what if right  
McCormick: stay with me here  
McCormick: what if, that instead of having headphones to cover up noise  
McCormick: listen to this,  
McCormick: what about nosephones  
McCormick: ya know.. to cover up the smell  
McCormick: so you could literally like be in a sewer and instead of smelling the shit, you could smell hotdogs or flowers instead  
McCormick: like ...?$#  
McCormick: how crazy is that like come on  
McCormick: and i'm here thinkin.. why aren't we funding this yet like seriously dude  
McCormick: i'm not saying i'm stephen hawking or whateva but i'm pretty dam close, wouldn't ya say?

You: You're high, aren't you.

McCormick: um  
McCormick: a little


	39. Tweek's phone 4

**Browsing-Lurker : If you're gonna get butt-hurt over this then that really aint my problem ya know. if you wanna preach about womanbeaters/manbeaters then please, be my guest and write a fiction of your own - love ya passion tho, but nah, I'm not gonna write something for the purpose of you're appeal, lol hi and welcome to the internet**  
**This will be the end of a trolled and pointless conversation, thanks**

**Right, I'm cutting the long A/N from now on, enjoy!**

* * *

**Tweek's phone 4.**

CLYDE: come to kfc with me tweekers

You: I can't

CLYDE: yes u can  
CLYDE: i believe in u

You: I have to work  
You: GOD I HATE WORK

CLYDE: thats y i dont lol  
CLYDE: and i dont need 2  
CLYDE: ya know y?

You: Because you're going to become a wOrld wide football star?

CLYDE: exactly

You: CRaig doesn't think you'll stay fit enough

CLYDE: FUCK CRAIG  
CLYDE: IM GONNA BE FAMOUZ

You: I don't think I have ever seen you eat anything healthy  
You: Apart from lettuce! 1!

CLYDE: thats because us footballers need like 4000 cals a day bro  
CLYDE: its cos we burn it all off in 1 game

You: TOken thinks you use that as an excuse to eat loads

CLYDE: FUCK TOKEN  
CLYDE: tweekers dont bring me down here  
CLYDE: u gotta support me ok

You: OK

CLYDE: believe in me k

You: OK

CLYDE: and next time when either craig or token push me down, u kno wot u gotta say?  
CLYDE: YOU SAY "I BELIEVE IN CLYDE DONOVAN"  
CLYDE: u gotta say that 3 times ok, jus so they hear

You: Oh  
You: OK, no problem

CLYDE: so next time craig comes along and tries 2 act all cool and says "pfff clyde aint got no chance" wot u gon' say?

You: I'll say  
You: I BELIEVE IN CLYDE DONOVAN

CLYDE: thats right motherfucker  
CLYDE: and how many times u gotta say it?

You: Three  
You: Oh man, that is such an awful number!

CLYDE: perfect, make it 4 times

You: Isn't that a bit much?

CLYDE: nothing is too much tweek

You: OK then, I think I got it

CLYDE: awesome  
CLYDE: wait so does this mean ur not coming to kfc with me

You: Yeah

CLYDE: oh  
CLYDE: oh yeah because u have work  
CLYDE: k well have fun and earn money

You: See you tomorrow, Clyde!11#!

CLYDE: bye spazaroonie


	40. Kyle's phone 4

**you are actually the most kindest readers ever -throws money at you all-**

* * *

**Kyle's phone 4.**

Stan: dude, why is your mom at my house?

You: Your house?

You: I dunno

Stan: Me neither

Stan: and I can't hear what they're saying either

You: You haven't done anything wrong again, have you?

Stan: what no

Stan: oh wait more people have turned up

You: Oh yeah, I can see through my window

Stan: Omfg

Stan: HEY LOOK AT ME KYLE, IM WAVING AT YOU KYLE, HI KYLE

You: Dude.. I can see you

Stan: I KNOW HI

Stan: WHY DID YOU STOP WAVING

You: Why is Cartman's mom there?

Stan: IM STILL WAVING KYLE

You: And Clyde's?

Stan: open your window, I wanna shout something

You: Shout what

Stan: I wanna shout hi

You: Why

Stan: because dude

Stan: I'm in the moment

You: No, it's cold

Stan: DONT BE A PUSSY, JUST OPEN YOUR WINDOW

You: No

Stan: OPEN IT

You: No

Stan: OPEN IT KYLE

You: No

Stan: FUCKING OPEN IT

You: Fine

Stan: SEEEE THAT WASNT SO BAD

You: That was so awkward

You: Like, how loud could you get

Stan: that was awesome

You: Was it

Stan: let's do it again

You: No

Stan: oh come on, don't be an ass

You: Dude, what are those moms doing at your house

Stan: Having a gang bang

Stan: wait

Stan: what

You: Stan, wtf

Stan: sorry idk why I thought that

You: KENNY IS THAT YOU?

Stan: hahaha

You: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH STAN

Stan: egg

You: Um

You: Plum

Stan: potato

You: Parmesan cheese

Stan: rubbing orange peels on your leg

Stan: oh dude, I just realised why all these people are here

You: Why?

Stan: book club lmao

You: Omg

Stan: gaaaaaaaay

You: I'm so glad I'm not a mom

Stan: how do you know that

You: ...

You: I'm pretty sure I'm certain

Stan: lies

You: Lies

Stan: Anyways

Stan: leave me alone I'm trying to study

Stan: ...

Stan: ...

Stan: PPFFFFHAHAHAH

Stan: LIKE I STUDY HAHAHAHAHAAHHAAHAAHHABAHAH

Kyle: Um

Kyle Lol?

Stan: HHAHAAHAH STUDY HAHAH

Stan: WHAT IS THAT

Stan: PAHAHAHA

Stan: AHAHA

Stan: AHA

Stan: *cries*

You: It's okay, Stan. I know

Stan: come help me learn how to study so I don't fail everything in my entire life

You: Hahaha, I'm not going over there. Come here, I'm not listening to those people talk about womenly books ew

Stan: I'LL GRAB MY SHARPENED PENCILS:) :) :) :) :)

You: Lmao, okay


	41. Tweek' phone 5

**Forgot to say, the last one was for Icecubefrozen and this one is for Guest,**

**so many people love Tweek haha**

* * *

**Tweek's phone 5.**

You: KYLE WHERE IS EVERYONE?!

You: KYLE

You: KYLE

You: KYLE

You: KYLE

You: KYLE

Kyle B: Tweek?

Kyle B: Where are you?

You: I'm in the classroom, but no-ones in here!

You: THIS IS TOO MUCH PRESSURE

You: HELP ME

Kyle B: Calm down! We're not in there today, we're in the computer room

You: Where's that?!

You: KYLE

You: KYLE

Kyle B: Dude!

Kyle B: Calm down!

You: I CAN'T

You: WHERE IS CRAIG

You: WHERE IS CLYDE

You: TOKEN

You: KEVIN

You: STAN

You: KENNY

Kyle B: TWEEK STOP SPAMMING ME

You: I'M SORRY!

You: Sorry, man!

Kyle B: Alright, It's fine!

Kyle B: I'll come to you, just stay where you are, okay?

You: OK

Kyle B: Hang on a sec..

Kyle B: For fucks sake.

Kyle B: TWEEK

You: What?!

Kyle B: YOU'RE NOT EVEN IN MY CLASS

You: I know!

Kyle B: Then why are you texting me asking were everyone is?!

You: I don't knOw

Kyle B: -_-

You: KYLE

You: DON't LEAVE ME PLEASE

You: KYLE

You: KYLE

Kyle B: Okay, okay!

Kyle B: I'll come get you

You: THank you!


	42. Token's phone 3

**This is for luxio404. When you explained why you wanted this pairing, I was like 'oh yeah, the contrast of different riches!' so I tried to make some sorta debate between the two(trying to do something along the lines of what you asked for),,**

**Anon= yeah, you're right! that is why people like those pairings, thanks for pointing that out, I UNDERSTAND NOW!**

* * *

**Token's phone 3.**

Kenny M: you see, that's where you're totally wrong

You: Facts aren't wrong

Kenny M: so you're saying that it's a well known fact that money makes people happy

You: Yes, it does

Kenny M: bullshit

You: That's your opinion

Kenny M: okay i ain't the wealthiest person in the world, but im still pretty dam happy

You: No you're not. You're happy with how you deal with your financial situation, not with what you have or don't have

Kenny M: dude, wtf are you talking about

Kenny M: you know, for a smart person, you really aren't that smart

You: I'm just telling you what you missed in psychology today

Kenny M: but you're telling me how i feel

You: Yes

Kenny M: dude

Kenny M: you can't do that

You: Well it's funny, because I think I just did

Kenny M: hey, fuck you dude, you have no idea how I deal with things

You: I'm going by the majority of ghetto people

Kenny M: I'm not ghetto, don't fucking say that

You: I didn't mean it like that

Kenny M: yes you did

Kenny M: I'll have you know that I work my ass off

You: Good for you

Kenny M: okay and what exactly do you do, token

You: That's none of your business

Kenny M: well neither is my 'financial difficulties' but that doesn't stop you assuming and asking questions about it, does it

You: Dude, calm down

Kenny M: no

Kenny M: I'm sick of everyone thinking i'm scum ok

You: Why would I think you're scum, you're my friend

Kenny M: rofl yeah, my ass

You: Fine, if it makes you feel any better, I'll change the subject between rich and poor people for our partner project. Obviously we have different views and it's gonna end up as something political rather than an assignment, okay?

Kenny M: wow, finally

You: This doesn't mean I think you're right

Kenny M: sure you don't;)

You: -_-

You: Now what are we gonna talk about for the presentation?!

Kenny M: don't worry, I totally got this

You: What have you got in mind?

Kenny M: check this,

Kenny M: ...

Kenny M: innuendos

You: ..

You: What?

Kenny M: innuendos

You: Innuendos?

Kenny M: can't you read

Kenny M: yes innuendos

You: How the hell are we gonna talk about that?

Kenny M: easy

Kenny M: I'll do all the talking

You: Dude, for psychology?!

Kenny M: yeh

Kenny M: think about it, it's to do with how people think and stuff, it will be totally worth it

You: I actually hate working with you

Kenny M: naw, don't be like that

Kenny M: we'll improvise

You: This is going to suck ass.

Kenny M: well then you should have no reason in disliking this subject

You: Fuck you, Kenny

Kenny M: ;)


	43. Kevin Stoley's phone 2

**For RegularShowMemorabilia**

**ClyDo= CLYde DOnovan (idk why I did that, it looks like a cool nickname or something)**

* * *

**Kevin Stoley's phone 2.**

_Tweek has been added to the conversation._

_ClyDo has been added to the conversation._

_Craig has been added to the conversation._

You: guess who just got a smoking hot date with the lovely Heidi tonight

ClyDo: oh oh let me guess this 1

ClyDo: um um kenny?

You: nope

ClyDo: harper?

You: no

Tweek: Tom?

You: no.

ClyDo: uhh james?

Craig: Parker?

Tweek: Seb?

Tweek: Token?

Craig: Marsh?

ClyDo: its not broflovski is it

Tweek: OMG ITS ERIC CARTMAN ISN'T IT?!

ClyDo: dude no way would heidi go out with that asshole

Tweek: Then who is it ?!

You: It's me, you dumb fucks.

ClyDo: ... what?

Craig: You. You got a date. With Heidi Turner?

You: that's right

Craig: ..

Craig: Yeah, I call bullshit

You: you better believe it

ClyDo: nuh uh, no way did u

Tweek: Isn't she humping that jock from North Park?#

You: what, no

You: I just wanted you all to know that ummmm she thinks I'm hot and said she thought we should go see a movie so um fuck you all

ClyDo: whateva

You: I can almost smell the jealousy

ClyDo: im not jelly, she aint even that hot so

You: that's weird, because I specifically remember you saying to me last Tuesday, 'i'd totally tap that, wouldn't you?' and then red turned around and got all in your face and blabbed on about how disrespectful you were and then you said you were hungry, so I gave you to last of my granola bar

Craig: Sounds about right

Tweek: YEah, I was there too

ClyDo: shutup that never happened

You: so sorry to burst your bubble Cly, but I'll be the one tapping that tonight

ClyDo: what do u want, a medal

You: as a matter of fact, yes I would love one

ClyDo: screw u

Craig: Uh, Stoley?

You: what

Craig: You might wanna check Heidi's relationship status

You: what why

ClyDo: LMAO PAHAHAH NOT SO MUCH TAPPING THAT ASS TONIGHT THEN KEVIN IT SEEMS

Tweek: I told you she was going out with that guy from North Park!

You: wait wtf

You: But she told me he was just a booty call

ClyDo: LOOOL

Craig: .. Kevin. I think you're the booty call

ClyDo: yeah either that or she's friendzoned you

You: no..

You: NO

You: I REFUSE TO BE FRIENDZONED

You: NOT AGAIN.

Tweek: Didn't that brunette girl do that to yOu last month?

You: yes.

Craig: It's because you got that queer look going on, all chicks dig that

ClyDo: is that y they dig u craig lol

Craig: Fuck you, Donovan

ClyDo: xx

You: STOP SAYING THAT ABOUT ME

ClyDo: he's right tho dude, u do

You: HOW?!

ClyDo: the clothes

Craig: Yeah and the voice

Tweek: Late puberty cOUGH COUGH

You: WHAT?!

You: NO FUCK OFF

ClyDo: "yes hello my name is kevin and i like to wear baby blue"

Craig: Lol

Tweek: XD XD X'D

You: -_-

You: bye.

_Tweek has been removed from the conversation._

_ClyDo has been removed from the conversation._

_Craig has been removed from the conversation._

* * *

**Thank you for all the lovely comments!**


	44. Kenny's phone 5

**For SouthPark69 **

**(YouTube, the first ever annoying orange to get this)**

**This is my most favourite pairing so I spiced it up a bit**

**ALL HAIL CRENNY**

* * *

**Kenny's phone 5.**

You: do you ever smell the upsexy in school, or is it just me?

Tucker: Smell the what

You: the upsexy

Tucker: Wtf is that?

You: wtf is what?

Tucker: What you just said

You: what did I just say

Tucker: About smelling whatever upsexy is

You: dude, what are you asking me

Tucker: What's upsexy?

You: nothing much, you?;)

Tucker: What

Tucker: Wtf

Tucker: Get out

You: Lmfaofamfoao

Tucker: You're so annoying.

You: I know lol

You: hi craig

You: hey apple

You: hey apple, hey

You: apple hey, hey apple

You: ...

You: ORANGEYA GLAD I DIDNT SAY APPLE AGAIN?

Tucker: You actually are the annoying orange

Tucker: The coat defines you as annoying.

You: i can see that you adore my beloved parka

Tucker: I want to burn it

You: aw cute

Tucker: You know, I used to like the colour orange

Tucker: until I met you

You: but you've known me since kindergarten dude

Tucker: Doesn't that tell you something

You: uh

You: no, not really lol

You: oh hey, nice tumblr post btw, I can totally see where you're coming from with the spaghetti thing

Tucker: Stop stalking me

You: i'm not

You: i only just checked lmfao

Tucker: Well stop

You: I could

You: but I won't

You: #thug

Tucker: Why do you talk to me.

You: because why not

Tucker: No, really. You talk to me, even though you know I hate you

You: yeah, I know

Tucker: I'm asking why

You: because it pisses you off

You: and I find that extremely funny

Tucker: Fine. In that case, from now on, I'm going to enjoy your company

You: does this mean I can raid your fridge?

Tucker: Fuck off

Tucker: Oh wait

Tucker: Sure, go ahead.

You: awesome, also I've been holding in a shit since monday, so I'm gonna have to use your toilet aswell

Tucker: K

You: oh and also, do you wanna hang out today, tomorrow, the day after, the day after that, the day after that, the day after that and the day after that

Tucker: Totally.

You: okay cool

You: see, told you i'm not so bad;)

You: hey craig

You: craig

You: aw did i piss you off again lmfao

You: so how's things

You: lol joke I don't care

You: hey craig

You: what's funnier than 24

You: ...

You: 25

You: omg craig don't be an asshole

Tucker: LEAVE ME ALONE

You: hi

You: hey craig, can I borrow your hat

You: it's for science, I promise

Tucker: What do you want from me

You: everything

You: including your left sock

Tucker: Kenny.

You: oh so now you use my first name

Tucker: Because you're not listening to me

You: I am

You: but the thing is, craig

You: if you're that annoyed with me, why don't you just block me rofl

You: ...

Tucker: Because

You: SPEECHLESS ?!

Tucker: Screw you

Tucker: P.S Stop fucking stalking me.

You: ;)

You: ;)

You: ;)

You: ;)

_You have blocked this number._


	45. Stan's phone 6

**A/N (you can skip this bit, I just wanna talk for like 10 secs)**

**For Guest - I also like this pairing!**

**looks like i'm coming to the wonderful states this year for about 4 weeks. It's really funny to me, because when I tell people from the USA that I'm in college, they think I'm like 18 or something**

**LOL NO, US ENGLANDERS FINISH SCHOOL AT 16 WOOP GO COLLEGE**

**Are education systems the same all around the states, or is it different? **

**-Forgive me if I'm wrong, but you do finish High School at 18 right? otherwise that outburst was kinda awkward**

**Right sorry, anyways, here's the next one**

* * *

**Stan's phone 6.**

You: hey, craig

You: you're awake right

C Tucker: Well I am now

You: okay good

You: I can't believe I'm asking this.. but dude, I need your help

C Tucker: Whatever it is, I don't care

You: no, I'm serious

You: I wouldn't ask otherwise

C Tucker: No.

C Tucker: I'm not talking to you

C Tucker: Go away

You: wtf that's not nice

You: wtf have I ever done to you huh

C Tucker: Oh really? You really wanna go there, Marsh?

You: As a matter of fact, yes I would

C Tucker: Okay, well let's see..

C Tucker: There was the time where you shot an arrow in my foot

C Tucker: The time where you almost got me arrested, for something I didn't do

You: kay well that was only pay back for what you did to us

C Tucker: The time where you robbed $100 off me and never even repaid me back

You: Hey look, no ones perfect

C Tucker: Oh and that time where you got Butters to attempt to kidnap Stripe

You: that was for a science project

C Tucker: The time where you got me excluded from school for something you did

You: oh come on, you were partly at fault

C Tucker: You burnt the fucking school down.

You: ...

You: okay well I had no intention of pinning that on you, it was cartman that suggested it

C Tucker: You see, this is why I have trust issues.

You: alright well if you're gonna be such a dick about it then I'm sorry

You: There, is that better?

C Tucker: You're sorry.

You: yeah

C Tucker: You steal from me. Use me as the blame. Attempt to kill my pet. Ruin my childhood... And you're sorry.

You: well yeah no ones perfect dude

C Tucker: ...

C Tucker: Fuck you.

You: wtf

You: dude, craig

You: I need your help

C Tucker: Well then ask someone who gives a shit

You: don't be such an asshole

C Tucker: I'm an asshole

You: Are you actually angry at me or are you just pretending to be

You: craig, dude

You: don't ignore me

You: I'll kick your ass

You: tucker ffs

You: fine

You: I guess you don't want to know what the square root of 324 is

C Tucker: 18

You: lol thanks

C Tucker: Wait

C Tucker Did I just help you with your Math homework

You: You sure did

C Tucker: .. And you couldn't work that out by yourself

You: I'm not a mathematician dude

C Tucker: Omfg.

C Tucker: THERE'S A FUCKING CALCULATOR ON YOUR PHONE, YOU DUMB FUCK.

You: what

You: oh yeah, so there is

You: Thanks lmfao

C Tucker: Wow

You: oh and another thing

You: can you like, stop turning kenny into an asshole too

C Tucker: Can you like, stop turning Clyde into a pussy too

You: what, I'm just saying

C Tucker: What, I'm just saying

You: dude stop

C Tucker: Dude stop

You: I'm being real here

C Tucker: I'm being real here

You: fucking stop, asshole!

C Tucker: Fucking stop, asshole!

You: stop

C Tucker: Stop

You: hmm

C Tucker: Hmm

You: I love stan marsh

C Tucker: I love Craig Tucker

You: Tucker is a fucking dike and smells like fat vaginas lol

C Tucker: Fuck off, Stan

You: no, you

_You have been blocked by this number._

You: Oi

_Message not delivered_

You: SCREW YOU YOU PIECE OF CRAP ILL FIGHT YOU AND BEAT YOUR SORRY ASS, MOTHERFUCKER

_Message not delivered_

You: *throws 400 middle fingers up*

_Message not delivered_

You: cock sucker

_Message not delivered_

You: xx

_Message not delivered_


	46. Kyle's phone 5

**Over 180 reviews? woaaah**

**great comments, thank yooouuuu loads!**

* * *

**Kyle's phone 5.**

You: It won't work, Cartman

Fatass: im telling u it will

You: And I'm telling you that it won't.

Fatass: oh yeah, thats wat everyone said to hitler but look what happened there

Fatass: that's right, joo

You: For one, you don't even know how to hack

Fatass: so

You: So how the hell are you going to hack into the presidents computer then?

Fatass: well thats where i thought u would come in

You: Me?

Fatass: yeah u

You: I can't hack

Fatass: no, but ur bro does

You: You mean Ike?

Fatass: well done, u remberd ur brothers name

You: Shutup. Ike won't hack into the presidents computer, dude

Fatass: y not

You: Because I hate you and I won't let him

Fatass: come on kahl dont be a downer

You: What is he even going to get out of this?

Fatass: well if u just hear me out then maybe u will get 2 kno

Fatass: tututut dam jews

You: Get to the point, asshole.

Fatass: ok well once he hacks into his personal details like photos and contact details and all that shit, i will be able to sell them details on 2 ppl who will pay thousands of bucks

You: Yeah, I've heard all this

Fatass: let me finish

You: ..Wtf?

Fatass: and so let's just say that 1 nude leaked photo of obama will sell for approx $10 000

You: So?

Fatass: I'm willing to go halfies with u

You: .. Half

Fatass: yes half

Fatass: thats 8000 for me and 2000 for u

You: Dude?!

Fatass: oh sorry yeah, forgot

Fatass: and maybe like a g for ike as well

You: You are such an idiot.

Fatass: and ur a filthy jew!

You: How do you even know that he has nude photos?

Fatass: he will

Fatass: everyone has nude photos kahl, jheez

You: I don't

Fatass: thats becaus ur not famous

You: I'm not doing it

Fatass: fine, fuk u

Fatass: i will jus go ask ike myself

You: Whatever, it's not gonna work

Fatass: it will, jus u see kahl

You: It won't

Fatass: i bet u 10 bucks it will

You: You're on, Fatass

Fatass: fine

You: Fine!

Fatass: fine, that's fine!

You: Just drop it through my letter box tomorrow. That way you won't 'forget' to give it to me

Fatass: fuck u, u dildo

You: Fucker

Fatass: kike

You: Lardass.

Fatass: left testicle

You: Scale breaker

Fatass: day walker

You: Troll

Fatass: baby sniffer

You: Shrek's twin

Fatass: wow thats a new 1

Fatass: i'll give u that

You: I know, I thought that was pretty good Lol

Fatass: anyways u better have my money kahl

You: And you better have yours certmon

Fatass: wtf

Fatass: spell my name right, dick

You: 'KAHL.'

You: 'KAAAHHHL.'

You: THEN SPELL MY NAME RIGHT, YOU ASS

Fatass: i think u need 2 calm down

You: Omg.

You: Bye

Fatass: by kahl


	47. Shelly's phone

**Shelly's phone.**

_You were added to a group conversation._

Dad: Alright who left the giant ass turd in the bathroom downstairs, your mother is going mad

You: That's gross.

Turd: wasn't me I swear

Dad: Then who was it

Dad: Come on, one of you own up

You: I don't use that toilet. It's never clean

Dad: Stanley?

Turd: Dude, it wasn't me

Turd: if it was, I would be proud of it

Dad: It smells like mushroom casserole, who had the mushroom casserole for dinner last night

Dad: Come on, own up

Turd: we all did, dad

You: God, this is so lame

Dad: WHOEVER DID IT NEEDS TO CLEAN IT UP NOW. SO TELL ME WHO DID IT OR I PUNISH YOU ALL

You: Shutup, dad

Turd: yeah stop being over dramatic

Turd: I bet it was mom anyways

Dad: Stan have you done you're homework

Turd: what has that got to do with anything

Dad: Your mother wants to know

You: Wtf

Turd: dude, I'm 17 I can make my own decisions

Dad: SHELLY DONT SWEAR AT ME

You: God, I hate this family

Dad: STANLEY YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE ENOUGH TO OWN UP TO THE POOPING MESS IN THE BATHROOM

Turd: I told you, it wasn't me

Dad: SHELLY?

You: Leave me alone, dad

Dad: This needs to be sorted, otherwise your mother said she will turn the wifi off

Turd: wtf, no

Turd: unfair

You: Yeah wtf, I'm skyping someone, she can't do that

Dad: I don't make the rules

Turd: um

Turd: yes you do

You: Newsflash dad.. you're the owner of the house

Turd: Hang on

Turd: dad, you took a shit in there yesterday

Dad: What, no I didn't

Turd: yeah you did, I remember. you were all like 'maaan I think I'm gonna crap my brains out, those mushrooms were dodgy' and then you went to the bathroom and locked yourself in there for an hour and when you came out we called a doctor and said you have an appointment with him next week so he could give you a prostate exam

You: Omd

Dad: ...

Dad: That never happened

Turd: uh, yeah it did

Dad: Uhhhhh no need to worry guys, I'll clean up your mess

Dad: Your mother doesn't need to know about this okay

Dad: Okay?

Dad: Okaaaay?

Dad: Guys

Dad: We're all okay now?

Dad: Okay good

Dad: Good


	48. Craig's phone 3

**Sadly to say, I'm almost done with this now. I was going to stop at chapter 42, but I thought I'd round it off as a nice 50. I will be sure to make the last one a good one!  
**

* * *

**Craig's phone 3.**

Fatass: hey creg  
Fatass: creg  
Fatass: answer me, u asshole

You: What.

Fatass: guess whos gay

You: No

Fatass: u  
Fatass: ur gay  
Fatass: pmsl

You: And you're still fat.

Fatass: EY IM NOT FAT

You: Fat is a feminist issue

Fatass: and wots what sposed 2 mean?

You: It means you look like a butch lesbian.

Fatass: FUCK U CREG U FUKIN DONKEY ASS DICK

You: Lol

Fatass: up urs

You: Because that's totally not gay

Fatass: brb gonna make tweek cri

You: Bastard, don't do that

Fatass: gonna pretend im his dad rofl

You: How are you going to do that, when you sound nothing like him

Fatass: i can do a good voice

You: He's a bit weird, but he's not fucking stupid, you retard

Fatass: back off creg im warning u

You: Why are you spelling my name wrong

Fatass: im not

You: Yes you are. It's Craig. Learn how to spell, fatass.

Fatass: wot r u, the grammer police

You: ... You are literally the stupidest person I know

Fatass: i saw a hooker the other day  
Fatass: swear it was u  
Fatass: but then i realized

You: It was really your mom

Fatass: it was only just a hooker in trans  
Fatass: HEY  
Fatass: WTF U COCKER

You: Lol

Fatass: i'll end u

You: Ok

Fatass: im srs creg

You: Ok

Fatass: i will fkin end u

You: Ok

Fatass: u and me

You: Ok  
You: Wait, what  
You: No, I don't want to get AIDS

Fatass: fuk u, ur the one with the anal beeds

You: Wtf  
You: But you actually do have AIDS though

Fatass: stfu  
Fatass: thats it  
Fatass: iv had enough of u and ur fkin bullshit  
Fatass: come on, we're havin it out  
Fatass: u and me  
Fatass: lets go  
Fatass: swing first

You: Oh, you wanna fight?

Fatass: only if ur prepared 2 loose

You: Lol, okay.  
You: Where

Fatass: back at school gates tomorrow at 3

You: Uh, okay

Fatass: u scared tucker?

You: Yeah, I am  
You: But I've just picture myself fighting an angry dwarf and now I feel fine again  
You: Confidence at it's finest.

Fatass: IM 1 INCH SHORTER THAN U

You: Oh yeah  
You: I forgot, not all fat people are dwarfs, sorry

Fatass: !?  
Fatass: queer.

You: I'm not fighting you btw.

Fatass: chickn  
Fatass: u jus dnt wanna look like a pussy, is that rite?

You: No. I have stuff to do.

Fatass: like wot, make love 2 ur hamster pmsl

You: Screw you.

Fatass: u arent even denying it lol fag

You: I'm not fucking my hamster.

Fatass: then wot r u doin

You: Doesn't matter, bye.

_You have blocked this number._


	49. Karen's phone 2

**Rubes= Ruby**

* * *

**Karen's phone 2.**

Rubes: Dude, your brother is so weird.

You: Oh god, what's he been up to now?

Rubes: He just deep throated a corn dog

You: Oh

You: Yeah, he does that

Rubes: And he's taken half a cucumber out of our fridge and is now eating it

Rubes: Like who the fuck does that

You: What, on it's own?

Rubes: Yeah

Rubes: I'm watching TV and he walks into the kitchen and asks if anyone is eating half of this cucumber that's left in the fridge and I said no, so he went back into the kitchen, came into the living room and sat down next to me. He then takes a huge ass chunk into this cucumber, like it's normal

Rubes: Karen, that's not normal

You: He does that same with carrots

You: It's like the only veg he eats

Rubes: Can you tell him to stop, the way he is eating is annoying

You: Hehe, why is he round yours anyway

Rubes: I don't know, Craig isn't even here

You: Does he know that?

Rubes: I dunno, I'll ask him

You: Okkk

Rubes: He said yes

Rubes: Dude, tell him to come home or something, say it's an emergency

You: I can't

Rubes: Why

You: Because dad's home

Rubes: So?

You: Uh

You: Yeah they sorta had an argument this morning

Rubes: Oh really

You: Yeah, something to do with Kevin. We normally stay outta the way until he leaves the house for work or the bar or whatever

Rubes: Sucks. Hope you're okay.

You: Yah, fine:)

Rubes: :).

Rubes: Oh great, more of his friends have turned up.

You: You know who?

Rubes: Yeah. Clyde Donovan and I think the other is Tweek

You: Who?

Rubes: One of Craig's friends, I dunno, he's weird

You: Weird name

Rubes: Tell me about it.

Rubes: Hey, K

You: Yup?

Rubes: How come all the attractive guys have to be older than us. We have loads of potatoes in our year

You: Omfg, I know

Rubes: These have shit personalities though

You: Really?

Rubes: Yeah. Clyde talks too much, Tweek or w/e his name is, twitches too much and your brother is just.. well.. weird.

You: Oh come on, Craig isn't exactly normal either

Rubes: What the fuck, Karen, Craig is the definition of normal.

You: Yeah but.. he's too normal

Rubes: Dude, how can someone be too normal

You: They just can ok

Rubes: Right..

Rubes: Anyway, I'm gonna go. Come mall with me?

You: Sure, but I only have like 4 bucks

Rubes: Perfect, we can get burgers

You: Haha ok, see you in like half an hour or something

Rubes: Yeah, I'll call you

You: See ya!

* * *

**Next one will be the last, and I will make** **it a long one! If ya want any specific characters, just let me know and i'll be sure to add them in someway or another**

**thanks!**


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